What a great privilege it is to be able to work with such wonderful humans. The Just Be Nice Project is all about keeping people doing what they are good at. Enabling them to amplify the impact they are able to have alongside other people and organisations with specific skills and resources.

It all starts with Just Being Nice, but it doesn't end there, and on this Podcast the Design & Play team interview someone who I am privileged to work with.

Summer Howarth is kicking serious goals supporting teachers Australia-wide with Education Changemakers I can't wait to be around the collective genius of Australia's teachers at the upcoming EduChange Conference in Melbourne.

Summer talks about the great opportunities that lie withing empowering teachers, the exciting things that are coming up for EduChange, and the Just Be Nice Project even gets a mention.

Check it out, and keep up to date with the great work these awesome humans are doing.

Summer on Twitter: EduSum

Design and Play Link and further info/Podcast Notes: Design & Play

Podcast Link: Design & Play - Summer Howarth

               This week I took a couple of hundred staff members at Sensis, from the CEO to the sales teams, through training to improve the quality of their conversations. Working with the great team at RUOK Day whose mission is to improve connections and conversations across the community.

               I was dealing with the second step of the 4-step process to looking after people who are having a rough time.

Ask – Listen – Encourage Action – Check In.

               Listening seems to be a pretty intuitive thing to do, especially after asking if someone is ok. Listening without judgement can be a little bit more difficult. I believe that we have issues with judging problems from two sides.

               Often the things which cause distress to people are embarrassing, shocking, unusual, socially unacceptable or difficult to talk about. These circumstances can sometimes be hard to hear without passing some kind of judgement.

               “I wet myself on the weekend at the club.”
               “What on earth did you do that for you idiot?”

              The immediate judgement statement is likely to prevent me from continuing my conversation about what upset me in the first place. It is ok to be shocked, its ok to be confronted by something that you haven’t really got any experience with, but we need to temper that shock and try not to pass judgement right away.

               “I wet myself on the weekend at the club.”
               “Oh my goodness! I can’t imagine what that’s like, and I wasn’t expecting that! Are you ok?”

           You can still be shocked, but by avoiding the judgement piece, you are encouraging the person you are speaking with to continue to tell their story and discuss how it affected them. Our preconceived notions of what it is ‘ok’ to talk about often prevent people from speaking about issues that are important or extremely upsetting to them.

      I bet you were shocked by my example earlier, and it is such an entry level embarrassment on the scheme of things, that I ask you to consider what else you might be unconsciously preventing people from talking about. Bodily functions, accidental stuff ups, things that happen when we are drunk, sources of shame etc. It is important that we open up lines of communication for those close to us, no matter what the issue is. Etiquette and timing aside, we should be doing our best to listen to problems of any kind without judgement. We don't need to have the answers, we simply need to be able to listen.

               The other end of the judgement scale is to judge issues that aren’t deemed serious enough.

               “How are you today?”
               “Arghhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
         “Come on mate, Is that really a big deal? Don’t you know what is happening overseas?”

               Now, we all know someone who loves to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to complaining, however, our judgement on whether a problem is serious or not can prevent us from seeing when something really is wrong. Without judgement, the same conversation could go two ways:

               “How are you today?
               “Arghhhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
               “That’s annoying! Are you ok?”
               “Yeah mate, it’s just a donut!”

               The problem wasn’t a serious one, and the colleague/friend/family member was just having a little morning complain, which is fine. Everyone agrees a dropped donut isn’t the end of the world. The conversation could also have gone a little differently though:

               “How are you today?
               “Arghhhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
               “That’s annoying! Are you ok?”
               “Not really, it just feels like this is the millionth thing to go wrong this week.”
 
               The donut could simply be the straw that broke the camels back. Listening without judgement provides an opportunity to have the real issues come to the surface so they can be heard.
 
               The other valuable listening piece that is perhaps not spoken about enough, is to take a moment to understand what upset the person about the story they are telling. We get told to pay attention, summarise what people are saying and repeat back to them what they’ve said so that they know that we’ve heard them. Perhaps we share an anecdote of our own experiences to relate to them better.

             What we aren’t doing so well is working out why they were upset in the first place.

               “How are you today?”
               “I’m not amazing, my parents were up all night fighting.”
               “Your parents were fighting all night?”
               “Yeah”
               “Oh man, I know how that is, I used to hate when mum and dad would yell at each other, its pretty confronting.”
 
              What’s wrong with that? Summary, paying attention, relating to your friend. Its good right? Well, it isn’t terrible. But it could be better.

               “How are you today?”
               “I’m not amazing, my parents were up all night fighting.”
               “Your parents were fighting all night?”
               “Yeah”
               “What upset you the most about that? Are you ok?”
              “Yeah I’m fine, they fight all the time, it’s just how they are. I’m just tired because they kept me up all night.”

               In the first example, we assumed what upset them from our own experiences. Turns out, they weren’t upset by the fighting as much as the lack of sleep. If you take the time to work out why people are upset by particular circumstances, you can better help them through it. In this case, perhaps all that is needed is a double shot espresso.

               I take my hat off to the team at Sensis who came through with open minds to improve the way they look after each other, from the CEO all the way through. It’s great to see everyone getting behind a few simple things that can help them look after each other better.

               For more information on RUOK and the 4 steps to good conversations head to RUOK.ORG.AU There are valuable resources there regarding looking after your peers and what to do when people are in need of help you are unable to give. Check out the resources there.

Keep listening, keep asking RUOK and as always, Just Be Nice.

- Josh Reid Jones
              

         My very talented and wonderful friend Tessa Mansfield-Hung visited a few times, shot some footage and we had some interviews over the last year and a half. I am humbled to have gotten back this piece.

        "I've changed my definition of success from how much I can accumulate to how much I can do. As soon as your definition of success changes from you can get to what you can do for others, the meeting or the long time in the factory or these back-to-back meetings with non-profits doing stuff, it doesn't matter, it's helping people. When that's the definition of success, you're winning every day.

           Through the violence I experienced, I've found a fighting spirit that has allowed me to get on with things in a different way. To own that fight internally and use it externally to fight for opportunities for people who are unable to fight for themselves. I think boxing as an 11 year old was a big part of that process, turning violence into fighting spirit.

            Because when you love something, you fight for it. Not against it."

​Music by Delsinki Records and Brooke Taylor

        Head over to check out Tessa Mansfield-Hung on Youtube and Vimeo
I cannot thank her enough for her wonderful work, friendship and massive heart. Turning hours of filming into a few minutes of interview I would find hard to edit myself.
​
​www.youtube.com/user/tessmansfieldh
vimeo.com/tessamh

            What on earth is passive aggressive? Low key treating people like shit because you are upset at them in the hope that by you treating them like shit they will work out what is wrong and then apologise profusely so that you can continue to be grumpy at them regardless?
                What a waste of everyone’s time.
               Being passive aggressive serves no one. You have to be miserable, or a bit of an asshole for a period of time (which surely you don’t want). Only to try and teach a lesson to someone that may or may not even realise.
               Try this.
               Be actually aggressive. Well not too aggressive, but if you have a grievance…. Air it. Immediately. Like an adult. Don’t let it fester and ruin good time for everyone. If it isn’t important enough to tell someone directly, it’s probably not important enough to be an asshole about for any period of time.
               There is absolutely nothing wrong with being upset with someone, or being annoyed, frustrated or even angry. But there is something wrong with half pretending you’re annoyed and half not pretending you’re annoyed so that someone else can attempt to work out your problem.
               If you just mention you’re upset about something, it can be discussed and dealt with on the spot!
               I’m not surprised that people love looking for reasons to be passive aggressive and grumpy, today in my news feed (of news, not the Facebook feed), every single headline was a negative spin on something. EVERY ONE! We are subconsciously being trained to look for things that are wrong in all the comments, media and discussions around us! Passive aggression, however, is a special kind of trick because it isn’t about anyone else except the person who is engaging in the behaviour. It is a selfish way of being mad.
               Who wouldn’t rather just have a family member, work colleague or friend tell you they are annoyed? Sure, being told you have annoyed someone can be confronting at first, but when compared to a day/week/month/year of strange passive aggressive, useless behaviour, it is a godsend.
               Airing grievances doesn’t mean they get solved, but at least when you bring them up like a grown up everyone knows why you are mad!
               Next time you are thinking about being passive aggressive, run it through a couple of filters.

1. Is this person actively trying to bother me?
2. Is the thing they are doing/have done/have said etc. really that upsetting and important?
3. Important enough to bring it up to their face?
4. Am I really annoyed about something else and feel like taking it out on them?
5. If I died immediately after this confrontation, would I be ok with their last memory of me.
6. If they died immediately after this confrontation, would I be ok with the last thing I confronted them with?
7. Does this person have other things going on in their life that don’t revolve around me and so they are acting in a way that is helping them get through their day?

If you answers are

1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes/Maybe
5. No
6. No
7. Yes

               Maybe just get over it, get on with your life, and save yourself the stress of having to either be mad, or have a discussion about things that annoy you.
               You don’t have to like everyone, no one likes everyone! You don’t have to be happy all the time, or even accept that people will never annoy you. You simply have to let go of passive aggression and either be a grown up, or let it go.
               If its not that important, then its not that important. If the person consistently annoys you, either stop having anything to do with them, or (if you have to work with them) accept that they are annoying and work on the one thing you can change….YOUR attitude.
               Don’t waste your life carrying around baggage on behalf of people that don’t even notice you’re carrying it, don’t sweat the small stuff, and as always, Just Be Nice.

What a cracking way to get back into the swing of things after being away for a few weeks! Caught up with Ben Connelly today to drop off a care package from the RUOK Day team as he walks from Lake Eyre (The lowest point in Australia) to Mt Kosciusko (The highest point in Australia).Its a mammoth effort and he's a great guy. Check out his efforts on his webpage www.pittopeak.com

For more information on RUOK Day and how to have better conversations with your mates, check out www.ruok.org.au

Chicago. The windy city! Not nicknamed for the bloody freezing winds that whip through the city off Lake Michigan, but for the hot air that spews out of the mouths of politicians.

Still, it works both ways.

My second day on the U.S. saw me trek to Chicago, the windy city. I arrived to a dark city getting pelted with rain in a balmy 4 degrees, so naturally upon getting to my AirBnB I went for a run to see what was around. Not much. Turns out, I ran in the wrong direction to all the things! That’s OK, I am trying to not come back with an additional 40kgs on me, so the run was well worth it… then I ate tacos.

Well. Well.. Well….

I have been told many times that Mexican food is better in America, and after staying in a Latin neighbourhood, I can confirm… It definitely is. The tacos were the bomb.
 
A sleep in, because I was buggered and then to the Art Institute of Chicago.

FUCKING WOW.

It is amazing. I didn't take a whole bunch of photos in the Institute because shitty photos of magnificent works of art and things that are thousands of years old, just seems rude.

I have always been drawn to activities that force me to do things I am not good at. For instance, I box because I find it hard to clear my mind unless someone is trying to knock my block off.

I think this is partly what made Impressionism my first art love, and Monet my first favourite painter. With impressionism, there is nothing to be gained from over scrutinising. Getting too close to the painting you lose all concept of what it actually is. You are forced to step back, take it all in, and enjoy the way the dots and swirls of colour come together to paint the most beautiful scenes. The Monet 'The Petite Creuse River' was placed in a corner and drew my attention for quite a while.

There are dozens of spectacular artworks in this exhibition alone, Pissaro, Van Gough, Monet, Sisley, Renoit, Gauguin, Manet, Caillebotte, Cezanne and many others. It truly was a fantastic exhibition and it took me by very pleasant surprise.

Downstairs, a photo exhibition, 

"Provoke: Photography in Japan between Protest and Performance, 1960–1975"

Some really interesting pieces and stories going on in this exhibition. I could explain more about the exhibition, but the thing that took me most by surprise was overhearing a man speaking about a video in which protesters were engaged in protesting the building of Narita Airport.

The video shows the protesters being violently removed as they fight against US intervention in Japanese politics and for the rights of the farmers to keep the land that was being taken for the Airport.

"You can't stand in the way of progress, I bet they built it anyway"
"Lets just give them back Okinawa, sure, and lets give them the Atomic bomb while we're at it"

Speaking as though the Japanese were people that needed to be kept down and should know their place. That these people shouldn't protest because its a waste of time. I was shocked to over hear such callous remarks, as was this mans companion, who said "They're taking their land, what would you do?" He continued on talking about how they need to get over it etc etc. I understand when people don't quite get another persons situation, but I am bothered when I hear people avoid attempting to understand another persons circumstance in order to empathise. Dismissal is a cause of so many problems, and would be better suited to somewhere other than a discussion about cultural and personal identity through art... In my opinion anyway.

Nonetheless there was some fantastic photographic work, from the Japanese magazine Provoke which I found very interesting. It was raw, rough and at times pretty confronting.

Among other crazy but cool exhibitions in the Art Institute, there was some 3000 year old peruvian pottery, 1200 year old weaponry from the Europe, amazing Medieval artworks from Europe and a whole exhibition of amazing miniature room recreations!

​The 68 Thorne Miniature Rooms enable one to glimpse elements of European interiors from the late 13th century to the 1930s and American furnishings from the 17th century to the 1930s. Painstakingly constructed on a scale of one inch to one foot, these fascinating models were conceived by Mrs. James Ward Thorne of Chicago and constructed between 1932 and 1940 by master craftsmen according to her specifications.

Next it was off to Cindy's, a rooftop bar in Chicago in a former Athletic club. It is immaculately presented and comes with all the trappings of a fancy hipster place to drink, including drinks with weird names, bearded bartenders and pretentious staff!

The view, however, is awesome and I got to view the shiny bean (Cloud Gate) for the first time, from above!

Downstairs from Cindy's is a Shake Shak, where I had my first Shake Shak Burger and.... Shake. It was good, but basically just a fast food burger and shake. The setting for this meal however, was pretty special!

I ended up bumping into a little bar called 'Blue Chicago', a live blues bar for a couple of Goose Island beers and some good ol' fashioned Blues.

It was awesome. The beer was great and the blues were soulful, playful and loud.

Chicago, in the first day, you have done a fine, fine job I must say.

I had written notes in my notebook, it had my favourite kind of pen stuck in it, and I must have left I on a plane or in an airport. Dammit.

It was not overly full, I had grabbed a new one for my trip, so it was maybe only 4 pages of writing, my thoughts on LA, and a few days in Chicago recorded in there. The sketchings of some explanations of the Just Be Nice Project that I doubt will make much sense to anyone who bothers to flick through the first couple of pages once they pick it up.

It’s strange, but I rarely lose things, apart from hoodies, which seem to go walkabout all the time, I have a wonderful lifetime track record for keeping things and knowing where they are. In the interests of not losing the precious memories contained within, I thought I might write the first travel blog!

My first time in the US has been great so far, I have collapsed in a heap and slept for longer stretches than I have in ages (I know I’m overseas, but I’m also on holidays!) I have met some fantastic people, and seen some amazing sites.

It all started by being on the inaugural flight from Melbourne - LA direct on Virgin Australia. My favourite airline, and a hassle free 14 hour flight directly to the City of Angels! There were cupcakes and news cameras to celebrate the launch of the service, so the trip started off with an unusual amount of fanfare!

I landed in LA to basically be greeted by a friend of a friend (Michele), who was a complete stranger, but gave up her day to show me around and just be an amazingly gracious and wonderful host. It resulted in drinks on a late night on a rooftop bar in the middle of the city, MacDonalds before dropping me home so I could get up early and take on the next days travel on not much sleep! But it was totally worth it. Lunch in Korea Town (Where I was staying), a laugh at Toe Bang… Whatever that is, and a trip up into the LA Hills resulting in me not having the terrible first impression of LA that I thought I would. Turns out Michele has worked on the College Humour videos which bring a lot of happiness to the office at regular intervals, and I thought that was a cool little bonus/small world thing! If you haven't seen them, check them out HERE!

The air in LA is terrible, the whole place looks like you are looking through a smoke screen of some description which gives it this weird hazy vibe all over the city, and doesn't really look clear... But the people were friendly and smiled and said hello most places I wandered around in West Hollywood/Sunset boulevard. It went by very quickly, but I will return before heading home! Managed a couple of snaps before booting off in the morning once more to the mighty midwest....

Off to Chi-Town....

​            I am sitting in an airport right now, waiting for a flight back home. It’s been a wonderful trip so far, a few days of conferences, meetings, presentations, time with my goddaughter and even a gala dinner. A wonderful trip to Sydney and one I will remember for a long time.

                I checked in early after what seemed like the lightest traffic in Sydney that I’ve seen in 10 years, had a great Uber driver and all in all things were going well.

                Then I went to the line to go through security.

              The security line at Sydney domestic airport has multiple entries, you can walk right past your check-in lane and walk down the back and join the line there (which I did) or you can come from the other side (from other carriers), or walk in the middle, where there are four or five lanes that converge in the same spot.

                For some reason this time I happened to be one of the first ones to enter at this point in time from the check-in gates side.

                A woman, who was now maybe one spot behind me as I merge into the line looks up from her phone

                “Ummm the line is over there”
                I said “actually the line starts in all of these places”
                “Well not this line. This line starts there.” Pointing back to the middle entry.
                “I'm sorry, are you serious?”
                “The line starts over there”
                “Ok, no problems.”

           So I sauntered over to the back of the line. She went back to her phone and greasing me off like I was some kind of rule breaking maniac. Props to the guy who was lined up in-front of her (and was behind me for a brief time) that gave me a knowing “sheesh” in solidarity over the rudeness.

          Meanwhile, as soon as she was past the merge point of the two lines, she conveniently ignored the point that was so important to her only seconds beforehand as the line filled up from people merging the lines, as they always do.

                And that’s the bit that bothered me.

                If you only hero things that affect you directly, you are an asshole.

               If you feel so strongly about the integrity of the line, she could have easily looked at the person behind her and given them the same eyeroll, the same lecture and demanded that they went to the back of the line, but she didn’t because it no longer affected her.

            These kinds of people are so frustrating, vocal, indignant and even rude about their self-centred inconveniences and then they go missing later on. It is a frustration that I see all the time.

               I actually didn’t mind going to the back of the line, I wasn’t really inconvenienced, I had heaps of time before my flight, and as karma does, this rude woman was held up for a bomb detection scan and I got through the security at the same time as her anyway.

               It is the fact that we allow people to maintain a narrow, self centered view of the world, and place over emphatic importance on inconvenience in their own lives, at the expense of others. This woman was quite happy to inconvenience me 15 spots in the line, to improve her convenience by 1 spot. Holding up imaginary rules that she made up on the spot and then promptly forgot once she was past her own inconvenience. By the time we went through the scanners that same line was probably 30 people deep.

              Anyway, obviously I am fine, I will board the plane have a great flight and go to my wonderful home, it hasn’t ruined my zen because I just nodded, smiled and went to the back of the line. I was wearing a t-shirt that said JustBeNice on it after all! I just ask that if you see your friends acting like self-centered assholes you call them out on it, so they don’t ruin anyone elses zen.

                 If you find your zen being attacked, simply remember that we are all essentially the same, each with out own problems and remember that the only thing you can actually control is how you act. Be considerate of others, look at the world through the eyes of people around you, encourage compassion and consideration in those around you and remember that if it isn't a big deal, it isn't a big deal. So be cool, keep your zen together.... and then blog about it later.

           Sneaky shoutout to Virgin Australia as well for always providing outstanding service whenever I travel, I am fortunate to have always had fantastic experiences, when I am flying. Legends.

Keep smiling, stay zen, and as always, just be nice.

-Josh Reid Jones

​

               I saw a friend of mine on social media the other day get told that someone thought it was dumb to post photos or look at photos of her with her ex-boyfriend from years ago. Apart from the fact it ended up being a bit of a popcorn worthy comment fest on the photos it got me thinking.

               Denying your past is one of the quickest ways to lose your present self.

             I’m 30, and I have ex-girlfriends. I know, sounds like a silly thing to even have to say, but it’s true, sometimes we act like we never had them, but we pretty much all did.

               The concept of exes is a strange one, they are these people with whom you were inextricably close, sharing intimate moments, secrets, smiles and cries…. And then one day, you just aren’t that any more.

               Sometimes the ends of these relationships can be explosive, sometimes they fizz out, sometimes you are the instigator, and sometimes they come at you out of the blue completely unawares. At the end of a relationship you might be elated, or you could find yourself in the deepest pit of misery that appears to have no way out.

               I never understood why some of my female friends would go out with men that were ‘bad for them’, until I went out with the female equivalent. Intelligent, funny, quick witted, a big heart and incredible chemistry. We had such intense good times that I was taken aback by the whole thing… As is often the case in the yin/yang of the universe, we also had intense bad times.

                Really intense.

               What is it about that kind of relationship that keeps you in it? The strange feeling that when someone can get that level of intensity out of you it’s because they understand you better than anyone else? Because the good is so good you take the time to ignore the bad? I don’t really know. All I know is I have been there, and I wouldn’t ever deny that experience.

               I have had wonderful, caring and beautiful partners and we have drifted apart, or come to loggerheads over certain things that become irreconcilable after a while and we have split up. I don’t think any less of them for not being the person that I will spend the rest of my life with, why should I? Why should anyone else?

               Denying that we had good times, that we cared, that we shared intimate moments, thoughts and feelings is denying huge parts of my own emotional development. I would never hide or be embarrassed of photos of my ex, because each one of them shaped who I am today. Without learning from the mistakes that have been made in the past how can we be better for future partners?

               We are all the sum of our experiences. For everyone who is single (excluding tragedy), we are all at 100% fail rates in our relationships, if you simply take it as a binary relationship on/off measurement. Or we are all further in our journeys to work out who we are and who we’d like to spend our time with. In high school you learn lessons around holding hands in public and remembering birthdays, as a grown up you learn that about sharing chores, making people feel loved and who to invite to family functions.. among a million other things. It’s an evolution, just as you are.

               Own the photos of your exes, for better or worse they inform the people that we are today. Especially the ones that still hold some fond memories for you. Some exes were shitty, but they helped teach you to stay away from the bad ones (hopefully).

               Own your past, the good bad and indifferent. Only by acknowledging where we come from are we able to truly understand and own our present selves.
Be loving, be forgiving and as always Just Be Nice.

- Josh Reid Jones

This VLOG is a little different to some of the others, because it is filmed in one take to document a particular experience.

It is just one take, to show that it is OK to not be OK all the time. Really. It can seem like its the people that always have their lives all together that are telling others to be OK, or on the other side of the coin, that there are people who seem constantly plagued by difficulty who talk about it the loudest. Everyone has their moments, everyone has times of doubt or sadness.

I thought today that I would simply show without editing, that there are times, or things that strike an emotional chord with you and can upset you, and that's OK.

Today is a difficult day for a young friend of mine, and rather than simply say "It's alright to be upset when you are feeling down" I thought I would lead by example, go first, and put it out there. Talking about a time in my life when I needed a little push to be able to allow my emotions to come to the surface. It's not easy, but that's why it is important.

Feel free to share this wherever you think someone needs to hear it or see it, and thank you for taking the time to watch it.

For more information on how to have good conversations with your friends visit www.ruok.org.au

If you need support, or someone to speak to you can contact these organisations
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467