I travelled to Sydney to have a chat with my mate Mike.

Chatting all things Just Be Nice Project, looking after each other, and some other more personal-slightly strange things.

A few good laughs and hopefully a few good insights into the work that we do at the Just Be Nice Project.

Also available on Spotify here: open.spotify.com/episode/1BXVEJUEkjQ2ISHNsOnboa?si=FM0hL3j4Siy4zh1cbYms0A


Check it out, like subscribe and comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Congratulations and encouragement. Two positive nouns no doubt, but are they being used appropriately in this current age of ‘start-ups’, 'intent' and declarations of purpose?

Congratulations; words expressing one's praise for an achievement or good wishes on a special occasion.
Encouragement; the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope.

Too often we are congratulating people for starting something rather than encouraging them. Too often we save our congratulations for people who are the most visible, the loudest or standing at the front of the line rather than those who have had their noses to the grindstone getting things done.

What could be wrong with congratulating people for starting things you might ask? Good question, let’s look at what congratulating someone implies.

Firstly, it implies an achievement, and frankly, simply starting something is not really an achievement. I could, in the next couple of days start 10 new businesses, 12 books, 15 marathons and 28 training sessions in the gym. I can guarantee you that none of those would be worth congratulating me for, especially if I have only started them.

It would be worth encouraging me, however, letting me know that pulling out the notepad and pen is a fantastic way to start writing a book. That getting into the gym is a great way to start getting into better shape and that you have to start a marathon in order to possibly finish it. The congratulations however need to be saved for the end, or at the very least, for some progress that can be reviewed.

Congratulations imply a special occasion. By congratulating ‘start-ups’, ‘starting-up’ and ‘grand declarations of intention’, we are implying that they are special occasions. Again, the truth is that the start of something only becomes a special occasion upon its completion. Mentioning that I am starting a marathon is not a special occasion, the start of a marathon becomes special by virtue of the work that follows. At the end of the marathon, having finished and achieved a complete outcome, the start, middle and end all become significant. By starting and pulling out 300m into the race, there is nothing to congratulate, there has been no special occasion.

Championing starting takes away from those who work hardest. It dims the light of the finishers. We fund Start-ups rather than Keep-goings, we congratulate massive statements of intention, rather than consistent execution of simpler outcomes. We invest in what we can say is going to happen, rather than invest in things that are happening. We look to what people would like to achieve, rather than look to how people will achieve it.
Focusing on starting up, and considering it something worth congratulating has given rise to a culture of the ‘elevator pitch’, the ‘tell me what you want to do in a minute or less’, the ‘explain what you’re doing in 50 words’.

When you focus on the start, you no longer need to explain all the things that are about to happen in order to achieve a goal, rather you simply focus on the outcome you haven’t achieved yet. Time and time again we are being forced to simplify the process at the beginning, so that people can better understand what is hopefully about to happen.
Elevator pitches are better utilised for the end. It is very simple to get a shorter pitch to understand what has already happened, because outcomes are easier to explain than processes.

Congratulate – “I lost 20kgs.”
Don’t congratulate “I would like to lose 20kgs”, Encourage them.

Encouragement acknowledges an impending process, or period of work, effort and output. Congratulations implies that the work has already been done. Congratulating Usain Bolt at the starting line of the 100m would be silly. Understanding all the elements that will go into Usain Bolt telling you that he will be the fastest runner in the history of mankind will also take a lot of time and effort, across many years. Congratulating him for finishing in the fastest time anyone has ever seen, that makes sense, fits into a small elevator pitch and can be communicated simply as “I am the fastest man that ever lived.”
If you are going to encourage people we intrinsically know that simply saying “I’ll lose weight” is not enough. Saying “I’ll be an Olympic Sprinter” is not enough. It needs to be backed up with effort, and that effort needs to be targeted, measured and repeated over and over again. This effort is what we need to encourage.

Encouraging sits and listens to longer presentations. Congratulations wants bite sized chunks of simple information that is outcome focused rather than process focused. In my line of work its seeing organisations simply say things like “We want to end poverty”, “We want to end homelessness”, “We want to cure all the diseases known to mankind”. We cannot congratulate these statements, we can only encourage them. If we are to encourage them, we must know what the processes are that these organisations are going through to achieve these lofty goals.

When you break down encouragement into a process based discussion, you open up the door to understanding how someone is going to go about achieving or finishing their outcomes. Lose 20kgs is not necessarily a simple process, it involves many factors and will require multiple revisions and tweaks along the way. ‘Ending Poverty’ is even more complicated!

Encouragement is necessary, Congratulations should be reserved for accomplishment. To encourage well, we need to take the time to understand the processes that people need to achieve their goals. To congratulate well, we need to take the time to hold people accountable to outcomes. Over time, we can change from a culture that applauds starting, to one that applauds consistency and outcomes. Look for the people that are doing, not just saying, and give them a shout-out. Congratulate them on their achievements to date, encourage them to continue to achieve, and as always, Just Be Nice.

A few months ago I had the pleasure of speaking with Julie Ann on the Mere Mortals podcast, based in the US!


Talking about how to pay more attention and give people better help.
How to incorporate the Just Be Nice principles into your life or organisation.
How to approach conversations around helping people.

The original link to the page is HERE
To subscribe to the Mere Mortals Podcast on iTunes check it out HERE 

Have a listen, share, subscribe or like it on iTunes and feel free to pop some comments below!

               This week I took a couple of hundred staff members at Sensis, from the CEO to the sales teams, through training to improve the quality of their conversations. Working with the great team at RUOK Day whose mission is to improve connections and conversations across the community.

               I was dealing with the second step of the 4-step process to looking after people who are having a rough time.

Ask – Listen – Encourage Action – Check In.

               Listening seems to be a pretty intuitive thing to do, especially after asking if someone is ok. Listening without judgement can be a little bit more difficult. I believe that we have issues with judging problems from two sides.

               Often the things which cause distress to people are embarrassing, shocking, unusual, socially unacceptable or difficult to talk about. These circumstances can sometimes be hard to hear without passing some kind of judgement.

               “I wet myself on the weekend at the club.”
               “What on earth did you do that for you idiot?”

              The immediate judgement statement is likely to prevent me from continuing my conversation about what upset me in the first place. It is ok to be shocked, its ok to be confronted by something that you haven’t really got any experience with, but we need to temper that shock and try not to pass judgement right away.

               “I wet myself on the weekend at the club.”
               “Oh my goodness! I can’t imagine what that’s like, and I wasn’t expecting that! Are you ok?”

           You can still be shocked, but by avoiding the judgement piece, you are encouraging the person you are speaking with to continue to tell their story and discuss how it affected them. Our preconceived notions of what it is ‘ok’ to talk about often prevent people from speaking about issues that are important or extremely upsetting to them.

      I bet you were shocked by my example earlier, and it is such an entry level embarrassment on the scheme of things, that I ask you to consider what else you might be unconsciously preventing people from talking about. Bodily functions, accidental stuff ups, things that happen when we are drunk, sources of shame etc. It is important that we open up lines of communication for those close to us, no matter what the issue is. Etiquette and timing aside, we should be doing our best to listen to problems of any kind without judgement. We don't need to have the answers, we simply need to be able to listen.

               The other end of the judgement scale is to judge issues that aren’t deemed serious enough.

               “How are you today?”
               “Arghhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
         “Come on mate, Is that really a big deal? Don’t you know what is happening overseas?”

               Now, we all know someone who loves to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to complaining, however, our judgement on whether a problem is serious or not can prevent us from seeing when something really is wrong. Without judgement, the same conversation could go two ways:

               “How are you today?
               “Arghhhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
               “That’s annoying! Are you ok?”
               “Yeah mate, it’s just a donut!”

               The problem wasn’t a serious one, and the colleague/friend/family member was just having a little morning complain, which is fine. Everyone agrees a dropped donut isn’t the end of the world. The conversation could also have gone a little differently though:

               “How are you today?
               “Arghhhh terrible, I dropped my donut on the way into the building.”
               “That’s annoying! Are you ok?”
               “Not really, it just feels like this is the millionth thing to go wrong this week.”
 
               The donut could simply be the straw that broke the camels back. Listening without judgement provides an opportunity to have the real issues come to the surface so they can be heard.
 
               The other valuable listening piece that is perhaps not spoken about enough, is to take a moment to understand what upset the person about the story they are telling. We get told to pay attention, summarise what people are saying and repeat back to them what they’ve said so that they know that we’ve heard them. Perhaps we share an anecdote of our own experiences to relate to them better.

             What we aren’t doing so well is working out why they were upset in the first place.

               “How are you today?”
               “I’m not amazing, my parents were up all night fighting.”
               “Your parents were fighting all night?”
               “Yeah”
               “Oh man, I know how that is, I used to hate when mum and dad would yell at each other, its pretty confronting.”
 
              What’s wrong with that? Summary, paying attention, relating to your friend. Its good right? Well, it isn’t terrible. But it could be better.

               “How are you today?”
               “I’m not amazing, my parents were up all night fighting.”
               “Your parents were fighting all night?”
               “Yeah”
               “What upset you the most about that? Are you ok?”
              “Yeah I’m fine, they fight all the time, it’s just how they are. I’m just tired because they kept me up all night.”

               In the first example, we assumed what upset them from our own experiences. Turns out, they weren’t upset by the fighting as much as the lack of sleep. If you take the time to work out why people are upset by particular circumstances, you can better help them through it. In this case, perhaps all that is needed is a double shot espresso.

               I take my hat off to the team at Sensis who came through with open minds to improve the way they look after each other, from the CEO all the way through. It’s great to see everyone getting behind a few simple things that can help them look after each other better.

               For more information on RUOK and the 4 steps to good conversations head to RUOK.ORG.AU There are valuable resources there regarding looking after your peers and what to do when people are in need of help you are unable to give. Check out the resources there.

Keep listening, keep asking RUOK and as always, Just Be Nice.

- Josh Reid Jones
              

         My very talented and wonderful friend Tessa Mansfield-Hung visited a few times, shot some footage and we had some interviews over the last year and a half. I am humbled to have gotten back this piece.

        "I've changed my definition of success from how much I can accumulate to how much I can do. As soon as your definition of success changes from you can get to what you can do for others, the meeting or the long time in the factory or these back-to-back meetings with non-profits doing stuff, it doesn't matter, it's helping people. When that's the definition of success, you're winning every day.

           Through the violence I experienced, I've found a fighting spirit that has allowed me to get on with things in a different way. To own that fight internally and use it externally to fight for opportunities for people who are unable to fight for themselves. I think boxing as an 11 year old was a big part of that process, turning violence into fighting spirit.

            Because when you love something, you fight for it. Not against it."

​Music by Delsinki Records and Brooke Taylor

        Head over to check out Tessa Mansfield-Hung on Youtube and Vimeo
I cannot thank her enough for her wonderful work, friendship and massive heart. Turning hours of filming into a few minutes of interview I would find hard to edit myself.
​
​www.youtube.com/user/tessmansfieldh
vimeo.com/tessamh

            What on earth is passive aggressive? Low key treating people like shit because you are upset at them in the hope that by you treating them like shit they will work out what is wrong and then apologise profusely so that you can continue to be grumpy at them regardless?
                What a waste of everyone’s time.
               Being passive aggressive serves no one. You have to be miserable, or a bit of an asshole for a period of time (which surely you don’t want). Only to try and teach a lesson to someone that may or may not even realise.
               Try this.
               Be actually aggressive. Well not too aggressive, but if you have a grievance…. Air it. Immediately. Like an adult. Don’t let it fester and ruin good time for everyone. If it isn’t important enough to tell someone directly, it’s probably not important enough to be an asshole about for any period of time.
               There is absolutely nothing wrong with being upset with someone, or being annoyed, frustrated or even angry. But there is something wrong with half pretending you’re annoyed and half not pretending you’re annoyed so that someone else can attempt to work out your problem.
               If you just mention you’re upset about something, it can be discussed and dealt with on the spot!
               I’m not surprised that people love looking for reasons to be passive aggressive and grumpy, today in my news feed (of news, not the Facebook feed), every single headline was a negative spin on something. EVERY ONE! We are subconsciously being trained to look for things that are wrong in all the comments, media and discussions around us! Passive aggression, however, is a special kind of trick because it isn’t about anyone else except the person who is engaging in the behaviour. It is a selfish way of being mad.
               Who wouldn’t rather just have a family member, work colleague or friend tell you they are annoyed? Sure, being told you have annoyed someone can be confronting at first, but when compared to a day/week/month/year of strange passive aggressive, useless behaviour, it is a godsend.
               Airing grievances doesn’t mean they get solved, but at least when you bring them up like a grown up everyone knows why you are mad!
               Next time you are thinking about being passive aggressive, run it through a couple of filters.

1. Is this person actively trying to bother me?
2. Is the thing they are doing/have done/have said etc. really that upsetting and important?
3. Important enough to bring it up to their face?
4. Am I really annoyed about something else and feel like taking it out on them?
5. If I died immediately after this confrontation, would I be ok with their last memory of me.
6. If they died immediately after this confrontation, would I be ok with the last thing I confronted them with?
7. Does this person have other things going on in their life that don’t revolve around me and so they are acting in a way that is helping them get through their day?

If you answers are

1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes/Maybe
5. No
6. No
7. Yes

               Maybe just get over it, get on with your life, and save yourself the stress of having to either be mad, or have a discussion about things that annoy you.
               You don’t have to like everyone, no one likes everyone! You don’t have to be happy all the time, or even accept that people will never annoy you. You simply have to let go of passive aggression and either be a grown up, or let it go.
               If its not that important, then its not that important. If the person consistently annoys you, either stop having anything to do with them, or (if you have to work with them) accept that they are annoying and work on the one thing you can change….YOUR attitude.
               Don’t waste your life carrying around baggage on behalf of people that don’t even notice you’re carrying it, don’t sweat the small stuff, and as always, Just Be Nice.

Ever heard someone say they 'want to start a business' but they don't know what the business is?

How about if someone wanted to be a professional athlete, but wasn't sure what sport?

There are other questions to ask yourself before you jump into the deep end of starting a business. There are better discussions we can have with people before they go out on their own.

Be patient, be good and as always, just be nice.

                  ​It’s a house of cards that I have been on the end of multiple times. A business is not doing so well, they can’t talk about it openly because,  frankly, not doing well in business is bad for business.
                Customers don’t want to be involved with businesses that aren’t doing well, clients don’t engage you, and debtors can apply pressure to get money out of you, believing sometimes correctly, that they might not get a chance to recoup the money they are owed.
                There are a million ways for businesses to fall on hard times. You can have personal issues, financial issues (cash flow is king), you might not be working that hard, you might not be working that smart. Perhaps clients are late on paying the bills, or maybe you don’t have enough clients.
                There are so many ways that times can be tough.
                Starting off with big dreams, many people invest big… I mean, you can see your vision, so everyone else will right? Before you know it, there are a whole bunch of competitors, copy cats, under cutters and noise surrounding your vision, through no fault of your own and the competitive landscape you thought you would be navigating has changed completely, before you even got a chance to establish a foothold.

         Then there is the ugly side of business, the part where occasionally you just get f*%ked over. You can be f*#ked over on purpose by unscrupulous businesses, suppliers or customers, and you can be inadvertently f*#ked over by people who themselves have fallen on hard times, or strung you along without realising what an impact that will have on your business.
              No one ever really talks about it in a practical sense. I have seen people complain on the internet that ‘So and so did such and such and that’s so bad for me’ etc., practically however, there is a reason why business owners don’t ask for help, and then just suddenly fold.
       Usually people open businesses in areas where they know people, know the community, engage and interact with the community. The people they know might be doing similar things, if you open a Physiotherapy clinic in St Kilda, and you grew up there, chances are you know at least some of the other physios in St Kilda. They are unlikely to share trade secrets with you, or information about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to running a practice.

            ​Sure, there are business coaches, and there are some really great ones, but, frankly, there are a lot of bullshit artists out there too, who don’t really know what they are talking about and won’t give you great value for your limited dollars.
                In my travels for work, I meet dozens of business all over the country who are having similar problems. Retail businesses with cash flow problems, gyms having dramas with high rents and member retentions, non-profit organisations who have no idea how to scale and maintain their operations. The problem is, when your network of support are your customers, or geographically, your competitors, it makes it hard to be open and honest about the aspects of your business that are causing you grief. Look like you are failing and you risk driving away customers/suppliers etc, look like you are having a tough time and your competitors may smell blood in the water.
                The compounding of problems gets worse and worse, with the stress of not going so well impacting work and your motivation, not being able to talk to anyone, getting the blinkers on, making bad decisions etc etc.
                  Your clients notice that you are stressed, your family notice it, you feel it in the anxious nights awake, and it certainly doesn’t just get easier.
I have seen and helped many people through tough times in business, simply by being an ear and discussing what I have seen, maybe what I would do, or what others are doing. Sometimes just a simple ‘Yeah, its bloody tough going, plenty of people in the same boat’ can calm people down a little bit.
            I have also been that guy, through what was a very tough, very long period of business I had a number of disruptive and expensive incidents that made work very stressful. Money was very tight, the days were very, very long and I probably took a few years off my life navigating through those times.
                It meant a lot to have the love and support of my friends and family, but in those situations it can also mean more to have the opportunity to rectify the situation. Asking for help in business is rarely about asking for handouts, and it shouldn't be. It's asking for opportunities, connections, strategy or structure. Having a sounding board from someone who understands those situations can be invaluable when you are getting swamped in the stress of your own mind. It breaks many, many people.

             ​Unfortunately though, the understanding friend who has no real idea what you are going through, is not the most practical help. All the good will in the world won’t help you, if you don’t get some information and steps to take to work your way to a more successful enterprise.
             I have set up, through the JBNProject, the opportunity to connect businesses that are similar in nature, but geographically separate, so that business owners can discuss the ups and downs of what they are experiencing with someone in the same boat who is

1. Not a direct competitor in their area.
2. Not a customer.
3. Someone who needs help, gets paired with someone who has offered to lend an ear.
4. Or we get one of our JBNProject partners who has offered to help, to touch base and see if there is a way to help get you on track informally.

 
          This isn’t a lead into business coaching. This isn’t a service that you have to pay for, it is simply being able to put people together so that you can learn and discuss business in a practical way. Finding someone who has been where you are in your journey, or someone who can help. This isn’t a mastermind, or a complete business overhaul. If you are looking for something of that nature, by all means let me know, there are some great opportunities for business development from a range of really great practitioners.
        This isn’t about lunches and meetups, where everyone talks about what they are going to do, or has to polish their lives up to look like they are doing well to get business. There are plenty of those around already. This isn’t about 6-steps to 7 figures, or posing in front of expensive leased cars. No spam emails promising the world, or giving you the 'keys to living the life you deserve'.
           This is about real-life business owners and entrepreneurs, who need a bit of a leg up, who need a relevant and experienced ear to talk to. People with rent and mortgages to pay, families to feed and kids to keep in school. Between these contacts you can remain anonymous, it is no problem. We just want to create an environment that allows business owners to be themselves, be honest and be vulnerable for a moment, so that a plan of attack can be formed and you can get on with getting it done.
          There is no shortcut to success, and I am yet to see a struggling business just magic their way out of a tough time. You will have to work hard, no doubt, but better to do it with the help of people in the know, than blindly pushing forward in the wrong, upsetting direction. You aren’t alone, you aren’t the only one, and it happens to the best of us, even when we are working hard all the time.
           A great chance for entrepreneurs who have come through it to help out, and a great chance for people who could use the help, to get it. The link is provided below.
 
Keep working hard, and remember, Just Be Nice.

For those who are doing it tough, rest assured you are not the first, not the last and you are not alone. If you are in a really bad way and need someone to talk to urgently, don't hesitate to call the crew at Lifeline - 13 11 14