Do you remember being a child, and getting something from your parents, only to swiftly be followed up with a “Say Thank You”.

       I remember always thinking… I was going to say it! Now it doesn’t mean anything, because you’ve told me to do it.

       Have you ever seen someone on the street rattling a tin for a charity, or trying to sign people up to some cause, and think, “I already do things for several other causes, but now I feel awkward saying I’m not interested because I already picked the things I help with”.

        That is how I feel about this trend of starting a hashtag, or a ‘tag some friends’ post that has to be a ‘call to action’ or that we have to share to ‘raise awareness’ and usually we have to post it with some kind of video of ourselves or something where we ask everyone else to do something whether or not we actually do the thing ourselves.
          
     There is a brilliant quote from Tolstoy that reads “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
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           To make change, you have to make change. Make, the verb. Making is a doing word. To make change, is not to tell everyone else to do something for someone else, it is to lead by example.

       You might not get as many likes on Facebook, you might not get as many encouraging comments on social media, but if you actually live your life by example, you will most certainly have a much bigger impact than simply asking everyone else to go and do something. “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself”, ask yourself, if I have just learned a thing today, am I really qualified to then tell everyone else to do it? If I have just lifted weights for the first time, should I then go out and tell everyone that they should now go out and lift weights?

     We see these things take off on social media based on inaccurate statistics sometimes. I understand that you would like to do some good, but if you can’t take the time to even check the facts of the cause you are talking about, how can you tell me to care about it as well? How much actual ‘care’ is involved in those instances.

        There are so many things that are worth discussing, many with equal merit. People have thousands of diseases that need cures, there are so many levels of disadvantage, homelessness, addiction, people who just struggle in day to day life, people have internal mental battles with depression and anxiety. Sometimes people just have shitty days.

         Starting with appreciating your own life, you can open up many opportunities to learn about the struggles of others. Once you are aware of the struggles, you can make a decision to DO something about the struggles you feel comfortable with helping.

          Exactly zero percent of the conversations that I have had in my life that have made a difference have come from a post with a hashtag in it. The conversations come from people who LIVE the lives of good and caring people all the time. The amazing thing about making a difference too is not in the questions we ask, but in the way that we listen. The real change in how we look at helping should come from listening, understanding and educating.

         Complexity and noise are barriers to understanding. Additional duplications of causes or outcomes create this barrier, in the same way that duplications of charities, create complexity and noise that hinder understanding.

          RUOK Day is a great example, and the original educational opportunity through social media, for understanding how to approach conversations with people struggling with mental health issues. #RUOK still exists, and the organisation exists to educate people on how to have effective conversations and listen to people who might need a friendly ear.

        For people who really care about improving the quality of that conversation, let’s not compete. Let’s not confuse the message. Let’s not create more unnecessary noise, rather enhance the message which already exists. Listen. Be there. Be there offline and online. Be there for people in any capacity you can.

      Look past awareness as the sole outcome of what you are trying to achieve, awareness is nothing without action that supports the people in need. With that in mind, make sure that you are taking the action that you are asking others to do. A great example of that is Jamie Milne, running to raise awareness for Alzheimers Australia, off the back of raising much needed funds for their research! Awareness becomes the by-product of the action that actually makes a difference.

            Educate people and allow them to make their own choices about where they would like to help, and what they are comfortable with. Some people will want to help animals, some will be passionate about race relations, others, particular diseases that have affected their families.

            Understand that effecting lasting change is a long term process, that doesn’t need something to go viral so that it is in everyone’s consciousness for a brief second only to disappear once we have shared a post. Give people space and information over time to learn to care about the things you care about.

            Try share more about what others are doing, rather than demand that they do the things you are doing. Focusing on the good work that other people do is a great way to encourage people to keep on doing it! Hashtags are a great way to spread information, but use them wisely. Take some care to care. Check the facts, do some investigation, make sure if you are going to ask people to do something, that you have at least made sure that you actually know why.

            Put some time in. Authority is built by expertise and effort. You might ‘care’ the same as someone who has been doing something a long time, but you will not have the same authority as they do. If you see an issue, educate yourself, put some time in.

            Ghandi said “Be the change you want to see in the world” – not “Make the hashtag that you want everyone to use when referring to a change that you’d like to see in the world”.

            Start with you. Start with your actions. Start by Just Being Nice.

             A week ago I ran 60km in one go, with a great man. I was definitely physically underprepared, but I learned that I had unknowingly been mentally preparing for something like this my whole life.

                The run was for Many Miles For Mary, a yearly run that is done by Jamie Milne. Jamie is a friend of mine that has done many extraordinary feats of endurance over the years in memoriam of his Grandmother Mary. For 2016, Jamie is running from my office in Albert Park, Vic, to his gym, Jamie Milne Training, on the Sunshine Coast, QLD, that’s 80km a day, every day for about 18 days… And yes, that is insane.

                Jamie is an absolute superstar of a human. It was one of the great pleasures of the experience to just spend a bit of time talking about all things life. Obviously we had many hours to just chew the fat while pounding the pavement… Jamie’s running involves considerably less pounding than mine, as I lumbered my way through the first 40kms into a headwind, Jamie’s indefatigable steps just chewed up the kilometres.

                I learned that you can just run through cramping. I know this because I started cramping about 16kms in. Yep, with 44kms to go, my legs decided to betray me.
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Cramps will move around your legs though, you can’t run right through them, but you can walk them out until you get to a point where you can run again. It goes something like, run – cramp – run – cramp – stop running – tin man walk with stiff cramped legs– transition into chafe walk (kind of like a waddle) – transition into regular walking – run again –repeat.

               I learned that you can run for miles out of Melbourne on one road (Brunswick St. if you’re wondering just keeps going forever apparently).

                I didn’t train for this properly. When I committed to running the 60kms, I thought I would get my training done alright. With plenty of lifetime miles in the legs, I figured training for an Ultramarathon would be like any other kind of training. Except this time, I didn’t do it. Work was busy, I was travelling a lot and I went through a period of illness with express instructions from the doctor to do nothing…. I of course, did something, which prolonged my illness, because I am both stubborn and busy.

                Jamie had an interrupted prep too. Originally slated to only run 60kms a day, Jamie ended up committing to an unprecedented 80kms a day in order to cover more distance in a shorter period of time. Even with his experience in running long distances and world record attempts, Jamie runs a business as well, and has never even attempted this distance in total, or each day!

                We talked about the way you are shaped in your early life, how the people around you shape your views of the world, and the ways in which we have both come to have similar views on many things. In the words of Jamie’s grandmother Mary, “Be Nice, but don’t take any shit”, a lesson he learnt early on, and one I picked up along the way too.

               Neither of us have flawless upbringings, but not many people do. Good decisions, bad decisions, tough times, good times, it all shapes the men we aspire to be each day. There is no settling, Jamie’s sights were set on the next challenge 30kms into this one. Finding your gift and making the most of that for the benefit of others, it’s what drives Jamie, and keeps him constantly improving and refining his message.

                We both struggle with meditation. Two busy minds, with a lot going on, we seek distraction rather than silence. We both find it hard to just stop and enjoy silence, or to seek a still and quiet mind. Rather we both seek distraction.

                Jamie runs, not fast, but he runs. Running is something to do, to take his mind off the myriad of other things that go running through his mind every day. I too, am constantly seeking distraction rather than silence. From exercise, to daydreaming about having super-powers until I fall asleep at night. Cut from the same cloth in that regard, we chatted our way through the miles. Singing songs, making jokes and eating slice made by the mother of one of the support crew, which 20kms in, tasted like the best thing I’ve ever had.

            I learned more about the head game. It’s a big thing for some people. When will your brain tell you to stop? When it hurts? When you are tired? When you get to the end? When you get close to the end? Will your head just hold up the whole time while your body gives up on you?

             Your body is a funny thing. The same reflex that tells your bladder to relax about 10m from the toilet can kick in and tell you that you are exhausted when you are near the finish line. You can see the end, and all of a sudden, your body just starts to ache.

             To run 80km a day, Jamie has to have outrageous mental fortitude. Driven by something bigger than himself, driven by the memory of his grandmother and the lives that he can impact by actually pushing himself to do something more than he’d ever done before.

              We can’t forget though, that mental strength is tied to, in part, physical endurance. For many years the only time I shed any tears were after football games, when I was physically depleted. Physical exhaustion can weaken your defences and let in the doubt, pain and emotion of things long since suppressed. Jamie will deal with these on a daily basis, and so far has beaten them all away. Getting up each morning to kick on with the goal.
             A week later, (I only ran one day), and my body is feeling better now. Some residual soreness from being a big lump of a potato, and some strain on my foot which is annoying, but otherwise, I am feeling pretty good. Jamie has run every day since, racking up 20 marathons in 10 days. I couldn’t walk on my feet after one day, and Jamie outran me by 20kms before backing it up the next day, and the 8 days after that.

             I learned that from the waist up, I could run a long way. I never doubted that I would finish the 60km. I wasn’t sure how long it would take, but my whole life has been all about one foot after another, just chewing up the miles and getting the work done. Not always in spectacular fashion, but always getting it done.

                It was re-affirmed to me as well that those who give the most, always continue to give the most. Jamie has already put his body on the line for a good cause more times than most people will ever consider doing. The support crew is full of people who spend much of their time helping others, teaching, assisting and encouraging people not just during this run, but in their everyday lives.

                I learned again what it is to be a doer. These guys are doers. They are running, they are contributing and working for others. Raising money and awareness for the Alzheimers Foundation. Sacrificing their time, their money and even their bodies for a cause that means something to people who can’t help themselves. Jamie’s gift is the ability to run and the ability to speak and inspire people to get on board a journey that is bigger than 80kms a day. I learned once again, a lesson that I have learned many times in my life. That we don’t all need to run the whole way ourselves, that we can run with others and support people who have big vision and the skill and aptitude to get things done.

            ​I’m glad to have been a small part of the process, and to kick off this run. Not many people will experience running into a small crowd of open arms, in the middle of Victoria, after running an ultramarathon distance. I encourage everyone to jump on board and give Jamie and the crew a pat on the back, a word of encouragement and even a couple of bucks.

         Big love to Jamie, big love to Mary for moulding such a fine man, and massive thanks to the support crew and everyone who has gotten on board supporting this legend.

As Always, Just Be Nice.

Many Miles For Mary Facebook Page

EveryDay Hero Fundraising Page

                 Before someone gets started, white privilege is a thing. It just is. It affords those of us fortunate to be born white (and for people like me, straight and male) with better educational opportunities, better jobs, better pay, longer life expectancies and a million other advantages.
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          On the flipside of privilege, there is disadvantage. Disadvantage for those of different skin colours, different religious affiliations, low socio-economic background, different gender and different sexual orientation, among many other things.

                I am the beneficiary of many privileges courtesy of the ovarian lottery that gave me a skin colour, sexual orientation and sex that is preferable in the society I live in. I had no choice in any of these things, but I have and will continue to have, many advantages over those who were born with different characteristics.

                One privilege that we (and by me, I mean others who won the ovarian lottery alongside me), need to give up, is the privilege to say “Because I did it, you can do it too” or to say “Because I have seen someone from a different background achieve success, so everyone from that background should forfeit their right to complain.”

                Disadvantage occurs at the starting line of life, comparing the finish lines of success between those of privilege and those of disadvantage is giving false positives to the opportunities available to those who experience disadvantage.

                The path to outrageous success is paved with hard work. There is little doubt that to achieve great things and have success, even as a white, heterosexual man, you need to work hard.

                We desperately need to acknowledge however, that the paths look very different.

​             My path to success, is wider, there are cracks, but they are manageable, there are hills, but I can get up them with a bit of grit and focus, there is room for me, and those like me to walk beside each other and help each other along. It’s not necessarily an easy path, but it is one that has been carved out by generations of white privilege before me, and is well trodden. Guidelines are available at certain points, as well as maps. We have seen plenty of examples of people like us going forward ahead of us, and we know what to expect. The people we meet along the way have opportunity to help us, and some are inclined to help us get to the pinnacle of success.
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                Some of us, despite our privilege will stop en-route to the top. Happy with being high enough, happy with having walked far enough. There are plenty of places to stop along the way, while still being comfortable and supported. We have peers lining the path at every level of success, to join us and help us find a space wherever we may decide to stay. If we decide down the track to make our way up a bit further, the wide, well-trodden path affords us this opportunity.
 
                The path to success for those of disadvantage looks very different. It is narrow. It is not well trodden, often there are no maps, and very few people to help along the way. There are many, many opportunities to fall, and often it runs under the paths of the privileged who intentionally and unintentionally dislodge rocks to fall onto the paths of those below them. You start from further away, and often take the toughest routes to the top. Sometimes you do it without shoes, without ropes, without jackets and without food. The path to the top for those at a disadvantage looks very, very different. There aren’t lots of places to stop, and settle down. If you don’t make it to a certain point, your only option is to head back down, if you do make it to a point where you might like to settle, on your way to the top, there may not be much room. You might not have any company. You might be isolated, on your own, a community of one.

              The top of the mountain, the point of success, looks much the same for everyone. Those of us with privilege need to recognize the path well-trodden as being that, well-trodden. It is still work. It still takes time and effort to get to the top, but realise the path to the top for a person like me, looks a lot different to a female, indigenous, lesbian woman in Australia.
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                This is the privilege we need to acknowledge. We don’t need to look to the top for examples of equality and opportunity, we need to look to the paths. We don’t need to look at individual success as the measure of equality, but at the opportunities afforded to others from the same situations.

Standing at the top, we could probably find some kind of representation from every walk of life. There are women, people of colour, people of different ethnicities, religious affiliations, socio-economic backgrounds and levels of education, but there are far less of them.

                Looking to the paths that got as all there, we will see nothing but outrageous disparity. The width, quality, difficulty and availability of the different paths to the top are the reason why we need to acknowledge our privilege.

There are log jams at the top, where limited spaces for women prevent others from getting to the top. There are log jams at various stages of the climb where indigenous Australians are stuck because they cannot read and write. People are jammed at the very beginning, where refugees aren’t even able to get onto any path at all because we have them, men women and children, locked up in detention.

              The most dangerous execution of this belief of the privileged is to make the path MORE difficult for those of disadvantage. For example, shaming individuals on welfare, claiming they are all ‘bludgers’ and threatening to take away support, rather than add more, is akin to removing their shoes and jackets, and driving them further from the starting line, all while demanding they get closer to the pinnacles of success and self-reliance. We lock people into unsupported communities and wonder why they feel and act isolated. We allow talk of suspending the rights of people of certain religions, forcing them onto different, more difficult paths, then demand that they don’t complain. We pay women less, and tell them it is their responsibility to get to the top, with less support, and less resources as a result of pay inequality. These things are dangerous, and only further degrade the paths to the top for people who are already at disadvantage through no fault of their own.

             I am obsessed with improving the equality of opportunity for people who aren’t lucky enough to experience the privilege I did nothing to get. There is, and always has been limited space at the very top, equality of outcome is an impossibility.

               We can however, improve the paths for everyone, and give space to people to find their niche on the way up, without having to sink back to the bottom because no one is waiting for them at any point along their journey. We can use our privilege to lend a hand, and bring someone onto our path, rather than leave them to climb the path less travelled, or build their own path as they go.

            We are all climbing the ‘Ladder of success’, but our ladders all look different. Let’s tidy up the ladders of those who need help, and do away with the privileged notion that

“Because I did it, you can too, so I don’t want to hear your complaints”.
Or
“I’m sick of hearing (insert disadvantaged group of people here) complaining, (Successful person of this background) made it, they just need to work harder.”
               
                Disadvantage should be assessed at the starting line, not the finish, and people of privilege need to do a better job of understanding that. We also need to do a better job of fixing it. Bringing more people to our starting line, and improving the conditions and quality of the paths that exist for people of disadvantage.
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                It certainly won’t happen overnight, but it can happen over time. We simply need to give up the privilege from the top of the pile, telling those below us that because we are here, they could be too.

                Remember to be grateful of your privilege and mindful of those who aren’t fortunate to have it, and as always Just Be Nice.

                  ​It’s a house of cards that I have been on the end of multiple times. A business is not doing so well, they can’t talk about it openly because,  frankly, not doing well in business is bad for business.
                Customers don’t want to be involved with businesses that aren’t doing well, clients don’t engage you, and debtors can apply pressure to get money out of you, believing sometimes correctly, that they might not get a chance to recoup the money they are owed.
                There are a million ways for businesses to fall on hard times. You can have personal issues, financial issues (cash flow is king), you might not be working that hard, you might not be working that smart. Perhaps clients are late on paying the bills, or maybe you don’t have enough clients.
                There are so many ways that times can be tough.
                Starting off with big dreams, many people invest big… I mean, you can see your vision, so everyone else will right? Before you know it, there are a whole bunch of competitors, copy cats, under cutters and noise surrounding your vision, through no fault of your own and the competitive landscape you thought you would be navigating has changed completely, before you even got a chance to establish a foothold.

         Then there is the ugly side of business, the part where occasionally you just get f*%ked over. You can be f*#ked over on purpose by unscrupulous businesses, suppliers or customers, and you can be inadvertently f*#ked over by people who themselves have fallen on hard times, or strung you along without realising what an impact that will have on your business.
              No one ever really talks about it in a practical sense. I have seen people complain on the internet that ‘So and so did such and such and that’s so bad for me’ etc., practically however, there is a reason why business owners don’t ask for help, and then just suddenly fold.
       Usually people open businesses in areas where they know people, know the community, engage and interact with the community. The people they know might be doing similar things, if you open a Physiotherapy clinic in St Kilda, and you grew up there, chances are you know at least some of the other physios in St Kilda. They are unlikely to share trade secrets with you, or information about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to running a practice.

            ​Sure, there are business coaches, and there are some really great ones, but, frankly, there are a lot of bullshit artists out there too, who don’t really know what they are talking about and won’t give you great value for your limited dollars.
                In my travels for work, I meet dozens of business all over the country who are having similar problems. Retail businesses with cash flow problems, gyms having dramas with high rents and member retentions, non-profit organisations who have no idea how to scale and maintain their operations. The problem is, when your network of support are your customers, or geographically, your competitors, it makes it hard to be open and honest about the aspects of your business that are causing you grief. Look like you are failing and you risk driving away customers/suppliers etc, look like you are having a tough time and your competitors may smell blood in the water.
                The compounding of problems gets worse and worse, with the stress of not going so well impacting work and your motivation, not being able to talk to anyone, getting the blinkers on, making bad decisions etc etc.
                  Your clients notice that you are stressed, your family notice it, you feel it in the anxious nights awake, and it certainly doesn’t just get easier.
I have seen and helped many people through tough times in business, simply by being an ear and discussing what I have seen, maybe what I would do, or what others are doing. Sometimes just a simple ‘Yeah, its bloody tough going, plenty of people in the same boat’ can calm people down a little bit.
            I have also been that guy, through what was a very tough, very long period of business I had a number of disruptive and expensive incidents that made work very stressful. Money was very tight, the days were very, very long and I probably took a few years off my life navigating through those times.
                It meant a lot to have the love and support of my friends and family, but in those situations it can also mean more to have the opportunity to rectify the situation. Asking for help in business is rarely about asking for handouts, and it shouldn't be. It's asking for opportunities, connections, strategy or structure. Having a sounding board from someone who understands those situations can be invaluable when you are getting swamped in the stress of your own mind. It breaks many, many people.

             ​Unfortunately though, the understanding friend who has no real idea what you are going through, is not the most practical help. All the good will in the world won’t help you, if you don’t get some information and steps to take to work your way to a more successful enterprise.
             I have set up, through the JBNProject, the opportunity to connect businesses that are similar in nature, but geographically separate, so that business owners can discuss the ups and downs of what they are experiencing with someone in the same boat who is

1. Not a direct competitor in their area.
2. Not a customer.
3. Someone who needs help, gets paired with someone who has offered to lend an ear.
4. Or we get one of our JBNProject partners who has offered to help, to touch base and see if there is a way to help get you on track informally.

 
          This isn’t a lead into business coaching. This isn’t a service that you have to pay for, it is simply being able to put people together so that you can learn and discuss business in a practical way. Finding someone who has been where you are in your journey, or someone who can help. This isn’t a mastermind, or a complete business overhaul. If you are looking for something of that nature, by all means let me know, there are some great opportunities for business development from a range of really great practitioners.
        This isn’t about lunches and meetups, where everyone talks about what they are going to do, or has to polish their lives up to look like they are doing well to get business. There are plenty of those around already. This isn’t about 6-steps to 7 figures, or posing in front of expensive leased cars. No spam emails promising the world, or giving you the 'keys to living the life you deserve'.
           This is about real-life business owners and entrepreneurs, who need a bit of a leg up, who need a relevant and experienced ear to talk to. People with rent and mortgages to pay, families to feed and kids to keep in school. Between these contacts you can remain anonymous, it is no problem. We just want to create an environment that allows business owners to be themselves, be honest and be vulnerable for a moment, so that a plan of attack can be formed and you can get on with getting it done.
          There is no shortcut to success, and I am yet to see a struggling business just magic their way out of a tough time. You will have to work hard, no doubt, but better to do it with the help of people in the know, than blindly pushing forward in the wrong, upsetting direction. You aren’t alone, you aren’t the only one, and it happens to the best of us, even when we are working hard all the time.
           A great chance for entrepreneurs who have come through it to help out, and a great chance for people who could use the help, to get it. The link is provided below.
 
Keep working hard, and remember, Just Be Nice.

For those who are doing it tough, rest assured you are not the first, not the last and you are not alone. If you are in a really bad way and need someone to talk to urgently, don't hesitate to call the crew at Lifeline - 13 11 14

I believe that you are what you do. Not what happens to you. Good or bad, one man’s dream life is another man’s disaster. I know people who think I am insane for what I do, and I look at other people’s lives sometimes and know that it is 100% not for me.
                Similarly you may have had what you consider to be a rough upbringing, a rough day, a rough life in general. Your version of a rough life may be someone else worst nightmare, or they may consider it to be an outstanding improvement on their own lives.
                We can all subjectively feel bad for a million reasons, sometimes we feel bad for things that we might call ‘first world problems’… Waiting too long for a coffee to be brought out, having you plane delayed by 10 minutes, a restaurant not having the steak option that you wanted to eat.
                My point is, regardless of what happens to you, your only option to move forward is to be tougher than your life is. I don’t care if your problems are my worst nightmare or greatest dream, you are responsible for your happiness and while it can be a difficult journey, it is one that ultimately you have to take in order to be your best and overcome your own adversity.
                One of the best things you can do is to turn your attention inwards and decide on who, not what, but who you want to be. By deciding your ‘who’, you allow yourself more time to get to what you want to be. If you decide that you want to be a person who is going to improve the lives of a million people, start by being a person that just improves people’s lives. If you tie your success/happiness/toughness to your ‘what’ you want to be, delays can make your life seem even tougher to you.
                If you are that person, you can go on a journey and explore the avenues that work best for you on your way to achieving your ‘what’.
                “But what if I don’t know what, why or how I want to do anything?”
                Great question. The answer then is to practice being YOUR best.
                “At what?”
                At every single thing that you do. Full stop.
                Trying your hardest and being your best at anything is one of the hardest skills to pick up when you are already overwhelmed by a goal or outcome. It is something that takes a lot of practice to become a habit. If you are putting out the bins, do the best job of it you can, put them on the street properly, if a bit blows off, grab it and put it in the bin. Do your work to the best of your ability every day. You might start off only being your best at work in 5 minute bursts, but try your best in that time, when you realise you are slipping/losing focus. Stop, breathe, and start again, making sure to do your very best work, every time.
                I don’t do everything at my very best, at all times. What I do try to do, however, is recognise when I am not concentrating enough, working hard enough, being productive enough, training hard enough, looking after myself enough and to take a breath, and have a go at being MY best.
                As you develop the skills of being your best, you might find that in some things that you do, you could be really, really good at them with time and application. You can focus on being that person, who is good at THAT thing.
                When you are focused on that, focused on being good at THAT thing, focused on the little things you can do each day to be YOUR best in every moment, you build resilience. You get the myriad of little wins every week/day/hour that you need to stay mentally strong and happy. You begin the journey towards taking your happiness out of the hands of others, and start to weaken your jealous inclinations.
                Some people will be better than you at everything, but no-one will ever actually be you. Just be the best version of what you can possibly be and you will be tougher than your life is. Despite how bad external circumstances get, they are always external. Sometimes auditing yourself can be difficult, but there is nothing wrong with asking a trusted colleague or friend if they think you are doing your best.
                Life is not Instagram quotes, fleeting moments of motivation or inspiration, photos in front of expensive cars. It’s not dreamy moments on holiday, or likes on Facebook. Life is what you do everyday. Life is you and who you are in every moment of every day. Your life isn’t what everyone else thinks or says. Being your best in every moment helps to remove dissonance from what you’d like to be, what you say you are, and what you are, and by having a mission to be a kind of person, it doesn’t matter what you are, you will always be that person.
                I haven’t mastered the art of being my best in every minute of every day, I get hangry, tired, distracted, vague, sleepy, annoyed, impatient and many other things, but I am hoping to master the art of always trying to be my best, and it helps to make me tougher than my life is.

​This is my family.

By birth and by the sheer luck of the universe I have had all of these amazing humans in my life for at least the last 26 of my 30 years. Some of them were born into my family, and some of them fell into my life as family in a seemingly random way.

My own father was not a good one, but there are far worse stories than mine and the point of this is not to talk about the varying degrees in which fathers can be bad, or bad examples to their sons. The point is, there are bad fathers, and men of all ages have been through subjectively bad times on many levels.
​
Navigating the role of being a man can be a tough one, in a conversation I had last week I had a thought that it is often the case that men seem to base their definition of manliness collectively. If you spend time with a group of men that believe certain behaviour is acceptable, you tend to adopt those same views. It’s one of the reasons ‘culture’ at a football club, or in a workplace is so important. When a football club has  a toxic culture, everyone tends to adopt it, when bigotry is the norm at a workplace it can be difficult to go against it. On the contrary, being brought into a great culture, like the All Blacks, or Melbourne Storm can help men thrive and excel.

This is Greg and Nina. Greg is the dad of my best mate Nick, who I met on day one of prep as a 4 year old. Greg is married to Nina, and they are my bonus family parents. Really, Greg is everything that my own father was not. He is a kind and generous man, with a big heart. He is strong, intelligent and full of respect and empathy. You would struggle to find a better example of a grown man who has led a life full of integrity. He is a fantastic dad and a wonderful husband and I respect and love him immensely.
​
I write this because I believe that we can still raise good men, even if we are missing good fathers.... But we do still need good men.

This is my Mum! She is one of the great ones :) but of course, I am very biased. Like many in the same situation, as a teenager, it wasn’t easy for us.

From an understanding point of view, Mum went to an all girls school from prep to Year 12, and has two sisters. Her own father wasn’t around all that much as a fantastic role model, so dealing with a growing, hormonal teenage boy was uncharted territory. Juggling being a single parent, economic difficulty and trying to prevent your oldest son from turning out like his Dad is a rough road to navigate and we butted heads often and I spent a lot of my high school years grounded.

I was convinced that I was a misunderstood, slightly angry teenage boy, who would never turn out like my father, but Mum had never really been around that situation and disciplined me hard. In the end, it is funny to look back, but playing the role of support, disciplinarian, mum, cook, taxi, breadwinner and everything else under the sun makes it hard, and in the end, even though I eventually ended up getting asked to leave the family home, we have the most amazing relationship and I could have done nothing without Mum’s love and support right to this day. Mum ran herself into the ground for us and remains my biggest support.

Because the absence of a good dad more often than not means a single mother, it can be difficult to provide the same kind of back patting, ‘You’re doing well mate’ moments to a young man. For some reason, managing being the supporting mother, the ‘I’m proud of you’ moments from mum are more often than not met with a smile, an eye roll and a little ‘of course you are’. On the contrary, the same moments from the men in your life that you respect, can really give you a big chest pump moment.

At the same time, being told you are acting like an idiot by mum can be brushed off easier than the same thing being said to you by a man, or group of men you respect. Some of my most embarrassing moments are from being called out by men I respected for rubbish behaviour.

When I was 14 I did my first deb, it was a bit of a big deal and I was young in my year level bu almost two years, so everyone was a bit older than I was. I did it, and went in with my date, and you guessed it, Nick…. And weren’t we quite the lady killers back then!

Mum wasn’t rapt about the idea of me going to an after party with everyone, and staying out for the night, but Greg did me a solid and vouched that we were sensible young men and we’ll be ok… I got the pass, and we went to the after party for a couple of Carlton Colds. Now I wasn’t supposed to be drinking, Mum didn’t care for it, but boys will be boys, and we didn't do anything too crazy. We had a great night, were well behaved and got picked up the next day by Greg.
​
I doubt that Greg remembers this part of the trip at all. But in the back of the old Ford Fairlane that day as we were being driven home, perhaps experiencing my first ever hangover, Greg simply said that we did a great job the night before (At the Deb) and that he was ‘Proud of me’.

I nearly cried in the back seat right then…. But I didn’t. I don't remember another time in my life that someone being proud of me has made me feel so emotional. 

Perhaps it was because at the time I was an angry, fatherless teenager, who was constantly arguing with Mum at home. I have never doubted Mums love for me, ever,  but her concern about me turning out like my own father had become my concern too… After all why would it be an issue if it wasn’t possible

Hearing from a man of few emotive words, who I respect more than I could ever say, tell me he was proud of me made such a big difference. I’ve never really talked about it since, but it was a moment of someone I respected believing that I was the good person that I had always tried to be, even as an angry teenager.

Years later, around the dinner table, when I was at University and completing a trade, Greg gave me another piece of sage advice that made a bigger difference than he will perhaps ever know. He told me that no matter what I was doing, if I was very busy and getting things done, the people that matter and really love you will always understand if you don’t have heaps of spare time. That little piece of advice has enabled me to go on to do the variety things that I have been able to do in my short time here on earth.

In a conversation with a friend this week, speaking about her husband, we discussed the importance of male-peer approval and guidance. As a kid, the best thing that could happen would be when the older boys who wanted to kick the footy with me, even if it was only three kicks. The friendly banter with the older kids in High School while on the tours to decide where to go, the games with the older boys, where I would play a few age groups up and get to hang with the older guys. These things matter over and above just proving that you are pretty good at footy, and they help shape who you become.

It is the reason I started working with at-risk kids many years ago. Just to be one of the older guys that would go out and play basketball with the younger guys and have a bit of a laugh. I had initially thought I might wait until I made my millions to engage with programs to change the world, before realising, the most important thing was just to be around and to want to involve these kids.

People would love to go out and inspire people in a moment of clarity, however It is rare to be able to drop into someone’s’ life and say something like “you’re proud of them” and change their lives on the spot.

If you are around for a long time, days and months and years, through good times and bad. If you are a man of integrity, worthy of respect and with a big heart. You earn the opportunity to have those moments, and in a couple of words, you can help shape the life of another young man for the better.

The great news is it doesn’t end for boys when they become men. We can spend time building better men by encouraging and looking after one another even after we are all 'grown up'. Be someone worthy of respect and don’t be afraid to let your mates know that you love them and you are proud of them when they are out there being great men. If we are better to each other as men, then we will be better to everyone as people. Be a gentleman, and encourage others to be as well. If we can change the culture of a football club for the better, we can change our culture generally to be one of respect and support.

If you are a man who knows a single Mum with young boys, be an example and don't be afraid to put your hand up to be there for them. You don’t have to be there every day, but be positive, be available and encourage them to grow up to be good men. Who knows, one day something you say might change their lives, and the lives of others down the chain. Greg believing in me allowed me to be a better man to my younger brother, who grew into being an outstanding example of a man himself, and Izzy then going on to positively mentor dozens of young men from there.

I’ve since had many great moments with my large and amazing family, but in the end it is the enduring love and support that makes all the difference. I hope that over time I can be the Greg for someone else, because if the world had more Gregs in it, it would undoubtedly be a better place.

We can raise good men without good fathers, we shouldn't have to raise them without good men.
​
Be good.
Just Be Nice.
-J
 
*A small tear or two may have been shed in the writing of this post.

Mental health among people with big aspirations can be a tricky thing to manage. You set off on a journey to build an entrepreneurial empire, or be the best athlete on the planet only to find out that the inspirational Instagram quotes of “If you love something, the universe will deliver it”, or “Do something you love and success will surely follow”, have left some key elements out of the road to success.

Big dreams are important. I would argue that few people have dreams or aspirations as large as mine, so I am an advocate for dreaming big and aiming high. But in the process of dreaming big, many people forget about what is right in front of them.

Themselves.

I know you want to be the ‘Best’. Very few people start an enterprise aiming to be also-ran, and therein lies some serious difficulty.

‘The Best’ by definition, is one person. One Company. One Organisation. One Outcome. There can only be one ‘Best’. That’s what makes it the best!

Now the best can, and often does change. Some people are the best for only the briefest moment, and while it is possible to become the best, there can only be one at any given time.

It can be comforting to know, that while there is only ever one, there is always one, and it might be you….. One day.

Few things are as heartbreaking as feeling like you are not reaching your goals. Working really hard, and not quite getting something over the line. Training really hard, and coming second, third or even dead last in a competition! It can be demoralising, disheartening, and depending on what you have been telling your friends/family or yourself, it can be embarrassing.

This can be so mentally tough on someone that has set lofty goals, that we see many struggle, silently and behind closed doors. It takes a very special kind of person to maintain the necessary combination of both confidence and humility to continue to grind away and work hard even after a barrage of disappointments and little failures.
I would say to these people, stop looking at only trying to be THE best, and be ready to adjust your time frame for getting there.

Being on a mission that no-one else understands or can see can be a lonely road, and a tough one to deal with by yourself. Constantly comparing yourself to your competitors can wear down even the most staunch operators. Spend more time in the early days, making sure that you are doing your best, once you know that you are definitely doing the best that you can do, and you do it consistently for a long time, then take the time to see where you can improve in relation to others. Excellence is a habit formed over a prolonged period of pushing yourself to be YOUR best.

Never get down on yourself for doing your best. Understand that sometimes your best won’t be the ‘Best’ and that is ok. Being the best takes time, practice, effort, talent and a little bit of luck along the way, and everyone can achieve amazing things in their own right if they start with becoming the best, hardest working and most focused version of themselves.

If you, or anyone you know is having a tough time getting to their very best, or is spending too much time, energy and effort comparing themselves to others, feel free to hit me up. Often all that is required is some time re-focusing, and an honest appraisal of what needs to happen to achieve their goals. There is nothing wrong with adjusting goals on the fly if it is required and productive and there is no shame in not being the best just yet… I’m certainly not, but every day I work to be MY best, and hopefully one day, I will actually get there!

Thanks very much for reading, go out there and get busy controlling the controllable, looking after one another and as always, Just Be Nice.

Cheers - J

As a caveat, This is not really a feel good story. The Just Be Nice Project is about finding ways to help people Just Be Nice, but this issue is a particularly tricky one. It has so many moving parts that I feel like we avoid the conversation about it sometimes. Having experienced it first hand, seeing it during outreach work, speaking to professionals and hearing stories from friends, I want to try to bring the conversation forward so that we can look at constructive and effective ways to support people to move forward through these situations.

I have two friends.

Girl 1 and Girl 2.

Girl 1 used to go out with a guy, but now Girl 2 goes out with this same guy.

Girl 1 is scared of what might happen to her, if I tell Girl 2 that this guy is abusive. Exhibiting nearly every one of the classic signs of being an abusive partner, to date this guy hasn’t physically harmed Girl 1, but has been verbally and emotionally abusive over a period of time, threatened her, thrown furniture in the apartment etc. etc. While he hasn’t laid a violent hand on her to date he has nevertheless engaged in outbursts against others in the very recent past.

I have seen the messages, heard the voicemails, and I have known Girl 1 for a very long time. She is sad, anxious and worried about what this guy might do because his behavior has been getting violent escalating and really, there is the problem.

How do I bring this up with Girl 2? My initial advice to Girl 1 was to get an AVO so that it is recorded, and he can’t just rock up to her door, or go anywhere near her. In a usual situation abusive partners are seldom abusive in front of other people, and tend to do it in private times, or at times when the abused is most vulnerable. So the abuse hasn't always been via text or recorded voicemail. Even then she is concerned that if she gets an AVO he will get mad and attack her before the police can arrive. Hoping simply to ignore him and that he will just go away.

With an AVO there is third party verification (The police/magistrate) have enough reason/evidence to believe that this guy is a liability. It takes away the conjecture that it’s just crazy ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend talk. I feel like it makes the conversation with Girl 2 a bit easier if that’s the case, and I am less worried about what happens with Girl 1, because if this guy breaks the AVO then the police are able to intervene immediately.
But what if Girl 1 is unsure about the AVO?

She has never been so scared of anyone before, because he is so unpredictable and loose. 
​
There is so much more in play here than simply feeling at risk. Girl 1 has had her self esteem attacked by her partner. Someone she loved and cared for. It was a gradual process, starting off with thinking that he was a great guy. He talked a good game. She looked after him and was a great girlfriend…. But over time, as these things happen, he got worse.

Like many others, girl 1 never thought she would be the kind of girl to be in a relationship like that.

I don’t think anybody ever does think they’ll be that person. And if someone was that aggressive and abusive on the first date, it’s unlikely they’d get a second date. But these situations happen over time, without people really noticing. You start to build a life together, you care about each other, and slowly you start to get isolated, your self-esteem starts to get clawed away, slowly. Jealousy, manipulation, a constant cycle of outbursts and apologies. Raging one minute and love and apologies the next.
               
Not wanting to make him angry, or cause a scene for fear that his aggressive tendencies would be turned toward her, Girl 1 may not even file an for a restraining order. Even though she understands now that like many others, this guy has had similar issues with former partners.
           
As a man, I am never quite sure how to deal with this. I have been face to face with male violence towards women and nothing boils my blood more. There is perhaps a caveman instinct to go and confront this guy myself….. But that is silly. There is nothing really to be gained from that, there is no benefit in being a vigilante here. Men like this guy are cowards. They prey on the weak, and break them down emotionally and mentally. They are not the ones to go toe to toe with another man, and confront their own failings, in all likelihood if I did confront him, nothing would happen to me, and he would take it out on someone more vulnerable.
           
So there goes that idea, and it should be gone. There is nothing to be gained from trying to be a big hero and go and call this guy out. I have seen it before and nothing good comes of it like that.
           
I do, however, need to tell Girl 2 what this guy is like. Knowing full well that at this stage the conversation will be about his crazy ex-girlfriend, and that this guy will be pouring it on, being the victim and promising the world. Even though two days ago, he told Girl 1 that he still loves her.
           
I am not sure how to support Girl 1 to get the help that she needs, after speaking to a police friend of mine, who said “I've been dealing with it for years - it's hard to watch girls never leave” when I said that I am concerned for my friend and every one of this guys girlfriend afterwards.
 
As the violent behaviour escalates, we can end up with violent men who have no official record, but are known to police and support services. Eventually an arrest occurs due to a larger, more violent outburst for some poor partner down the track. “Happens all the time [because] Most girls too scared to do anything”
 
In the end, I will tell Girl 2, and I am obviously here to help Girl 1 with whatever the outcome is. It is a difficult one because I don’t like to see my friends scared, or hurt. I don’t want to be concerned about the long term welfare of friends who are with guys (or girls) like this.
           
If, on the flip side, I was friends with this guy, and I knew him to be heading down the path of abuse/violence, I would help him to seek the appropriate help to deal with it. As a man and a friend it is up to us to step up and speak to other men that we know, if we know they are acting this way and tell them that it is unacceptable. If you have a friend who acts this way, it is ok to speak to their partner and let them know that you are there to support them and help find the appropriate professional help to deal with the situation. There is no point waiting until something catastrophic happens, if people start to act up, seek the help as early as possible to stop it escalating beyond the point of no return.
​
In my own experience, one of the most chilling memories of domestic violence was being on the end of my own fathers outburst, alongside my mother, while two of his friends stood there and said nothing and did nothing. I have long known that I would never be one of the men that stands by and just watches this happen… But it doesn’t make it any easier to know what to do in every situation.

I know that it isn’t pleasant, but without a conversation we can’t all move forward and provide a supportive environment for those in distress to speak out and act, and for those with issues to find the support they need to change their behaviours before it is too late. The statistics are far too chilling to just ignore.

Please note, that the discussion of male violence against women does not negate the acts of violence towards men by women. But this piece is written specifically about an experience I have had this week.


If you are unsure of the warning signs there are some here –HERE
 
If you need someone to call –1800RESPECT is the national family violence and sexual assault counselling service. It is a free, confidential service available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 1800 737 732 to speak to a professional counsellor.

 If you need support  you can use the DHS Service Finder - HERE

The quotes have come from online chat that I was having with my friends.So they are direct quotes.

Thanks very much for reading.
And remember.
Just Be Nice.

 #JBNProject
               

                “Make Sure you Take Time For Yourself”, “Don’t Burn Out”, “Don’t Let Life Pass You By”. These are things that I have been hearing from caring and concerned friends and family for 15 years now.

                They mean well, and their thoughts have all the best intentions behind them, but it has made me think often about goals. My goals, the goals of others and how they affect the way we live our lives, the way we work, the way we play and even the way we rest.

                I have some very specific goals, and while I rarely spend time re-establishing them, I often take a moment to re-focus on them and make sure that I am not being distracted by excess noise, or unnecessary wants.

                The more specific your goal, and the more narrow your focus the easier it is to work on a path to achieving them. However most people say their goal is one thing… But what they mean is much, much more.

                For some examples, there are times when I have said that my goal is to be in very good physical shape. I’m sure that most of us have been there! If that was my only goal, it would be fairly simple, not easy, but simple to plan. It would require adequate exercise, nutrition, rest and in due course I would be in good physical shape. However, many times I have had the goal of being in good shape, but also, I didn’t want to be bored with my training, I didn’t want to be bored with my food, I wanted to still be able to eat chocolate and drink beer. At times my ego got in the way and I would want to lift more than was prescribed or overdo something and potentially injure myself!

                I’m not saying that you have to have laser focus at all times. It is possible to get into good shape while avoiding boredom with my exercise choices, and still eating chocolate and drinking beer….. But it takes much longer.

                It is the same with being an entrepreneur and athlete or even charitable work. If you have a singular goal… Then the fastest, most efficient path is to have as few conditions on it as possible. Each additional consideration adds time and takes energy away from your central purpose.
               
​                  There is a lot of talk about self-awareness currently, and this is one time where it comes in very handy. For instance, I know that I am capable of working 15 hour days for a long period of time. I also know many people that can’t! I have seen entrepreneurs that have business goals, but ‘Need Weekends, and holidays’. Buying shoes or going on holidays before paying bills, Or that put Instagram likes ahead of sales figures. If your end goal is to make more sales, sometimes you need to spend time on improved business process or spend less on yourself. If your end goal is to help the most number of people possible, sometimes you may need to spend time behind the scenes ensuring the longevity and sustainability of your operations so that you can fulfill your goals for years to come.

                If you have goals, remember that every other goal, and every other need adds time and takes energy away from your central purpose. The more focused you are, the more focused your results and faster you will get there.

                Remember – The quickest path between two points is a straight line. Personally I know that I don’t need to have holidays, or go out all the time to deal with long days of work. Not before my goals have been reached anyway. In the meantime I will make do with a coffee, or some reading to keep my mind fresh. Find your path with the least amount of distraction, regularly check in with yourself to make sure you are focused, and go out and achieve your full potential.

Ever have a day when you just feel bad? When the afternoon hits, and for no good reason you just get down.

I do.

I don’t think anyone is immune.

Unfortunately some of us don’t have the luxury of being able to descend into a pit of despair and self-pity and lie in bed for a week to think about it…. As much as we might like to from time to time!

I learned this lesson at a young age, watching my single mother put aside all her own terrible days and get on with raising three kids, even though I am sure that she would have loved to disappear to a tropical Island at some point and deal with those shitty feelings properly. When you have no money and three active, growing and hungry kids, you do what you have to do.

Now, myself, without being able to disappear from sight, with multiple businesses to run that are very busy and constantly growing. I have to look at ways to get out of the foul mood that for apparently no good reason, came over me this afternoon.

Personally, I firmly believe that you are what you do. Not what you say you are, not what you intend to do, what you actually do. So I always start there, a quick audit of my own week will reveal that in fact, this week I have dropped the ball on a couple of things that bother me… (And what I should do to fix them).

1. I didn’t train as much this week as I should have. (I should have made more time)
2. I didn’t read as much as I should have. (I should have read fewer Facebook posts)
3. I had a staff issue that had been bothering me in the back of my mind that I need to deal with. (I need to book in a meeting and sort it out)
4. I am behind on a couple projects that I thought would be a bit further ahead by now. (I need to finish the pressing work I have at hand so that I can put a bit more time into these things)

This week, as with most weeks there are  of course negative and positive things happening around me every single day. Things that other people have done that may hurt, bother, annoy and inconvenience me. As well as things that inspire, motivate, reward and encourage me.

Each week I could choose to be happy on the balance of these external factors…. But what happens if I end up with multiple days, weeks, months with more negative external energy!? I would, as many would, find it hard to keep going with the same enthusiasm, effectiveness and vigour after a while.

To deal with the bad days, the bad feelings, the general feeling of dread that sometimes randomly rears its ugly head. I focus on the one thing I have control over.

​Me.