Do you remember being a child, and getting something from your parents, only to swiftly be followed up with a “Say Thank You”.

       I remember always thinking… I was going to say it! Now it doesn’t mean anything, because you’ve told me to do it.

       Have you ever seen someone on the street rattling a tin for a charity, or trying to sign people up to some cause, and think, “I already do things for several other causes, but now I feel awkward saying I’m not interested because I already picked the things I help with”.

        That is how I feel about this trend of starting a hashtag, or a ‘tag some friends’ post that has to be a ‘call to action’ or that we have to share to ‘raise awareness’ and usually we have to post it with some kind of video of ourselves or something where we ask everyone else to do something whether or not we actually do the thing ourselves.
          
     There is a brilliant quote from Tolstoy that reads “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
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           To make change, you have to make change. Make, the verb. Making is a doing word. To make change, is not to tell everyone else to do something for someone else, it is to lead by example.

       You might not get as many likes on Facebook, you might not get as many encouraging comments on social media, but if you actually live your life by example, you will most certainly have a much bigger impact than simply asking everyone else to go and do something. “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself”, ask yourself, if I have just learned a thing today, am I really qualified to then tell everyone else to do it? If I have just lifted weights for the first time, should I then go out and tell everyone that they should now go out and lift weights?

     We see these things take off on social media based on inaccurate statistics sometimes. I understand that you would like to do some good, but if you can’t take the time to even check the facts of the cause you are talking about, how can you tell me to care about it as well? How much actual ‘care’ is involved in those instances.

        There are so many things that are worth discussing, many with equal merit. People have thousands of diseases that need cures, there are so many levels of disadvantage, homelessness, addiction, people who just struggle in day to day life, people have internal mental battles with depression and anxiety. Sometimes people just have shitty days.

         Starting with appreciating your own life, you can open up many opportunities to learn about the struggles of others. Once you are aware of the struggles, you can make a decision to DO something about the struggles you feel comfortable with helping.

          Exactly zero percent of the conversations that I have had in my life that have made a difference have come from a post with a hashtag in it. The conversations come from people who LIVE the lives of good and caring people all the time. The amazing thing about making a difference too is not in the questions we ask, but in the way that we listen. The real change in how we look at helping should come from listening, understanding and educating.

         Complexity and noise are barriers to understanding. Additional duplications of causes or outcomes create this barrier, in the same way that duplications of charities, create complexity and noise that hinder understanding.

          RUOK Day is a great example, and the original educational opportunity through social media, for understanding how to approach conversations with people struggling with mental health issues. #RUOK still exists, and the organisation exists to educate people on how to have effective conversations and listen to people who might need a friendly ear.

        For people who really care about improving the quality of that conversation, let’s not compete. Let’s not confuse the message. Let’s not create more unnecessary noise, rather enhance the message which already exists. Listen. Be there. Be there offline and online. Be there for people in any capacity you can.

      Look past awareness as the sole outcome of what you are trying to achieve, awareness is nothing without action that supports the people in need. With that in mind, make sure that you are taking the action that you are asking others to do. A great example of that is Jamie Milne, running to raise awareness for Alzheimers Australia, off the back of raising much needed funds for their research! Awareness becomes the by-product of the action that actually makes a difference.

            Educate people and allow them to make their own choices about where they would like to help, and what they are comfortable with. Some people will want to help animals, some will be passionate about race relations, others, particular diseases that have affected their families.

            Understand that effecting lasting change is a long term process, that doesn’t need something to go viral so that it is in everyone’s consciousness for a brief second only to disappear once we have shared a post. Give people space and information over time to learn to care about the things you care about.

            Try share more about what others are doing, rather than demand that they do the things you are doing. Focusing on the good work that other people do is a great way to encourage people to keep on doing it! Hashtags are a great way to spread information, but use them wisely. Take some care to care. Check the facts, do some investigation, make sure if you are going to ask people to do something, that you have at least made sure that you actually know why.

            Put some time in. Authority is built by expertise and effort. You might ‘care’ the same as someone who has been doing something a long time, but you will not have the same authority as they do. If you see an issue, educate yourself, put some time in.

            Ghandi said “Be the change you want to see in the world” – not “Make the hashtag that you want everyone to use when referring to a change that you’d like to see in the world”.

            Start with you. Start with your actions. Start by Just Being Nice.

                 Before someone gets started, white privilege is a thing. It just is. It affords those of us fortunate to be born white (and for people like me, straight and male) with better educational opportunities, better jobs, better pay, longer life expectancies and a million other advantages.
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          On the flipside of privilege, there is disadvantage. Disadvantage for those of different skin colours, different religious affiliations, low socio-economic background, different gender and different sexual orientation, among many other things.

                I am the beneficiary of many privileges courtesy of the ovarian lottery that gave me a skin colour, sexual orientation and sex that is preferable in the society I live in. I had no choice in any of these things, but I have and will continue to have, many advantages over those who were born with different characteristics.

                One privilege that we (and by me, I mean others who won the ovarian lottery alongside me), need to give up, is the privilege to say “Because I did it, you can do it too” or to say “Because I have seen someone from a different background achieve success, so everyone from that background should forfeit their right to complain.”

                Disadvantage occurs at the starting line of life, comparing the finish lines of success between those of privilege and those of disadvantage is giving false positives to the opportunities available to those who experience disadvantage.

                The path to outrageous success is paved with hard work. There is little doubt that to achieve great things and have success, even as a white, heterosexual man, you need to work hard.

                We desperately need to acknowledge however, that the paths look very different.

​             My path to success, is wider, there are cracks, but they are manageable, there are hills, but I can get up them with a bit of grit and focus, there is room for me, and those like me to walk beside each other and help each other along. It’s not necessarily an easy path, but it is one that has been carved out by generations of white privilege before me, and is well trodden. Guidelines are available at certain points, as well as maps. We have seen plenty of examples of people like us going forward ahead of us, and we know what to expect. The people we meet along the way have opportunity to help us, and some are inclined to help us get to the pinnacle of success.
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                Some of us, despite our privilege will stop en-route to the top. Happy with being high enough, happy with having walked far enough. There are plenty of places to stop along the way, while still being comfortable and supported. We have peers lining the path at every level of success, to join us and help us find a space wherever we may decide to stay. If we decide down the track to make our way up a bit further, the wide, well-trodden path affords us this opportunity.
 
                The path to success for those of disadvantage looks very different. It is narrow. It is not well trodden, often there are no maps, and very few people to help along the way. There are many, many opportunities to fall, and often it runs under the paths of the privileged who intentionally and unintentionally dislodge rocks to fall onto the paths of those below them. You start from further away, and often take the toughest routes to the top. Sometimes you do it without shoes, without ropes, without jackets and without food. The path to the top for those at a disadvantage looks very, very different. There aren’t lots of places to stop, and settle down. If you don’t make it to a certain point, your only option is to head back down, if you do make it to a point where you might like to settle, on your way to the top, there may not be much room. You might not have any company. You might be isolated, on your own, a community of one.

              The top of the mountain, the point of success, looks much the same for everyone. Those of us with privilege need to recognize the path well-trodden as being that, well-trodden. It is still work. It still takes time and effort to get to the top, but realise the path to the top for a person like me, looks a lot different to a female, indigenous, lesbian woman in Australia.
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                This is the privilege we need to acknowledge. We don’t need to look to the top for examples of equality and opportunity, we need to look to the paths. We don’t need to look at individual success as the measure of equality, but at the opportunities afforded to others from the same situations.

Standing at the top, we could probably find some kind of representation from every walk of life. There are women, people of colour, people of different ethnicities, religious affiliations, socio-economic backgrounds and levels of education, but there are far less of them.

                Looking to the paths that got as all there, we will see nothing but outrageous disparity. The width, quality, difficulty and availability of the different paths to the top are the reason why we need to acknowledge our privilege.

There are log jams at the top, where limited spaces for women prevent others from getting to the top. There are log jams at various stages of the climb where indigenous Australians are stuck because they cannot read and write. People are jammed at the very beginning, where refugees aren’t even able to get onto any path at all because we have them, men women and children, locked up in detention.

              The most dangerous execution of this belief of the privileged is to make the path MORE difficult for those of disadvantage. For example, shaming individuals on welfare, claiming they are all ‘bludgers’ and threatening to take away support, rather than add more, is akin to removing their shoes and jackets, and driving them further from the starting line, all while demanding they get closer to the pinnacles of success and self-reliance. We lock people into unsupported communities and wonder why they feel and act isolated. We allow talk of suspending the rights of people of certain religions, forcing them onto different, more difficult paths, then demand that they don’t complain. We pay women less, and tell them it is their responsibility to get to the top, with less support, and less resources as a result of pay inequality. These things are dangerous, and only further degrade the paths to the top for people who are already at disadvantage through no fault of their own.

             I am obsessed with improving the equality of opportunity for people who aren’t lucky enough to experience the privilege I did nothing to get. There is, and always has been limited space at the very top, equality of outcome is an impossibility.

               We can however, improve the paths for everyone, and give space to people to find their niche on the way up, without having to sink back to the bottom because no one is waiting for them at any point along their journey. We can use our privilege to lend a hand, and bring someone onto our path, rather than leave them to climb the path less travelled, or build their own path as they go.

            We are all climbing the ‘Ladder of success’, but our ladders all look different. Let’s tidy up the ladders of those who need help, and do away with the privileged notion that

“Because I did it, you can too, so I don’t want to hear your complaints”.
Or
“I’m sick of hearing (insert disadvantaged group of people here) complaining, (Successful person of this background) made it, they just need to work harder.”
               
                Disadvantage should be assessed at the starting line, not the finish, and people of privilege need to do a better job of understanding that. We also need to do a better job of fixing it. Bringing more people to our starting line, and improving the conditions and quality of the paths that exist for people of disadvantage.
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                It certainly won’t happen overnight, but it can happen over time. We simply need to give up the privilege from the top of the pile, telling those below us that because we are here, they could be too.

                Remember to be grateful of your privilege and mindful of those who aren’t fortunate to have it, and as always Just Be Nice.

When did we agree that arguing against hate with hate was the way to resolve differences?
                This week I have seen people accuse Muslims of all being terrorists, followed with comments that agree with the sentiment like:
                                “We should shoot them all.”
                                “Ban the Rag Heads.”
               
​ I have also seen the comments that disagree which use similar language.
                                “You f*#king idiots.”
                                “F*#k you, racist idiots like you ruin the country.”
 
                I have seen people on welfare abused this week, called bludgers and seen them ripped on in status updates and in papers, the news and on social media.
                                “I pay my taxes, and these f*#king dole bludgers do nothing and just cruise on my dollar.”
                                “There shouldn’t be any welfare for these losers, if they don’t go to work they shouldn’t get paid.”
 
                And so on, and so forth. Anger, finger pointing, abuse, name calling, death threats, jokes about killing, deportation, locking them up and condemning people to lives without help dominate the conversation about political affiliation, race, gender, abuse, welfare, sexuality etc etc.


                People who don’t agree with you, are simply that. People who don’t agree with you. Now I have had plenty of face-palm moments, I disagree wholeheartedly with many of the bigoted statements that I see in the media and on the internet daily. The path out of ignorance however is not paved with abuse, it is paved with information and understanding.

                The bigot who is scared of Muslims is as misinformed as the Muslim who thinks all non-Muslims hate those of the Islamic faith.

                The young man or woman of privilege who believes that all people on the dole are simply lazy dole bludgers is as misinformed as the person of disadvantage who believes that all ‘rich’ people are greedy and don’t care about them.

                The problem is not necessarily in having differences in opinion. It is in the way we collectively address them.
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                So in the interest of practicality, if you are going to engage in a discussion in person or online, let’s try and establish some conventions that might help move conversations forward.

1. Firstly, lets refrain from calling people names. It’s the simplest way to prevent someone getting their back up when you address them. If I start my argument with “Listen Dumb-Dumb” It’s unlikely that the person I am speaking to is even going to listen to another thing I have to say. So let’s stop with the name calling. Plus, it’s just not nice.
2. Let’s stop saying we are going to kill everyone, or anyone. No one deserves to be murdered because of their beliefs. I absolutely think racists have opinions that are wrong, and I don’t agree with them, but I don’t think we should just automatically kill them all. Fighting fear, or violence with violence or threats of violence, does not work.
3. Listen. Sounds stupid right? Why do I need to listen to someone who says all Muslims should be deported? I’m never going to agree with that, ever. Well, it’s important to listen, because it’s important to know how people got those opinions in the first place. Are they scared of Muslims because they experienced a terror attack? Because they read about something in the paper? Because their friends or family are? Are they scared of their own financial instability? By listening we can do a better job of understanding how people come to conclusions that seem unbelievable to us, then we can address the real concerns, rather than just abusing them.
4. Listen. Yes this is point 3 and 4. It is that important. Listen properly, don’t just wait for your turn to speak and don’t just spend your listening time thinking about what you’d like to say. Listen and address what the person is actually saying. It’s ok that this takes practice, personally it is something I try to work on all the time.
5. Find a solution. Once you have listened, structure your argument or rebuttal around their concerns. Not around every single thing you know and think. Use logic, and be prepared to debate your point on logic, not emotion. It is hard to argue against emotion with emotion, but education can help to change a person’s emotional attachment to a point of view.
6. Be the bigger person. Someone else calling you names does not mean you can now call them names. In legal terms it’s called ‘Writing to the court’. Write as though everyone in your whole life might see what you have written, and make sure you are happy for them to see it. Don’t descend to name calling, threats and abuse, these threads of abuse are the most divisive and unproductive things on the internet.
7. Agree to disagree. You can’t win them all. Sometimes when people have made up their minds, logic, emotion, facts and all kinds of examples can’t change their mind on the spot. We still have climate change deniers for goodness sake! Sometimes you can bow out, with your logical arguments intact, and hope that they take root in the mind of the person you are speaking to, to sprout again down the track.

 
Which leaves me with point 8

• Keep on discussing. We need people to stand up for the right things, for some reason I see bigots, racists, scared, misinformed and abusive people with no problem at all voicing their opinions loud and proud. The informed, sensitive and educated people among us need to step up and speak against these divisive and hateful points of view. Don’t just be quiet because you might not change their minds right away, speak up, spread facts, considered, intelligent and caring points of view. Be the voice of the people who are being abused. Even if you aren’t a Muslim, if you aren’t on the dole, if you aren’t transgender or homosexual, if you aren’t a woman. Speak up. If enough people help those who are misinformed to see through their bigotry we might be able to effect real change.

It is a privilege and a right for us to have our opinions heard and discussed. Let’s make sure that we keep it that way. Be proud of what you have done and said because of how logical it is, not how emotive and mean it was. Spend more time looking for solutions rather than looking for problems, and look at ways to help before you look for ways to condemn. But don’t stop speaking up for those who can’t, we need more informed discussion and less abuse everywhere.As always, remember.


Just Be Nice.
J

          First of all, there is far too many opportunities for people to discuss, real world examples of women being raped by men, and unfortunately I am seeing these stories shared mostly by women.

           Men, we need to step up and take ownership of this conversation amongst ourselves as well.
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                This week alone, I saw a man on a TV show slut shame a woman for sleeping with her partner, I’ve seen convicted rapists let out of prison after serving minimal terms, transcripts from a trial in the US where a judge asked a rape victim why she didn’t just keep her knees together or tilt her pelvis away from her rapist. A women stalked from online and raped, and even a friend of mine who received bruising on her arm from an aggressive man she had been on a couple of dates with, who got mad when she no longer wanted to see him.

                Are. You. Serious?

                That was just THIS WEEK!

                What has happened that not only are we discussing these things as news and entertainment, but that they are so easily accessible that I can’t go a day without seeing it on social media, or hearing about it from my friends.

                It’s time for men to step up and say it’s not ok. Not online. In person. Share this, or don’t, but at least think about it. If you share this and don’t pull up your mates for their terrible behaviour, then it’s not really working is it?

                How can we, as men, do a better job of pulling up other men for behaviour that might lead to attacks on women?

                Well you can keep an eye on your peers/friends that do the following with their partners/girlfriends/women they are dating:

• Keeping track of what they are doing all the time and criticizes them for little things.
• Constantly accuses them of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages them from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money they spend.
• Humiliates them in front of others.
• Destroys their property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt them or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against them.
• Forces them to have sex against your will.
• Blames them for his/her violent outbursts.

If you know people who act this way, maybe have a chat to them, see why they do, tell them that its not really a great way to treat people and offer them help to find someone to speak to about it. Keep an eye on them and their partner and make sure that she is ok over time. Partners of abusers won’t always leave right away, and that can be frustrating, but be there for them for a time when they might need to leave.
On a comment thread a couple of weeks ago, a female friend of mine had seen in a carpark, a man punch a woman in the face, to the ground. They had been having a verbal confrontation, and the woman slapped the mans face. The man then spat in her face and closed fist punched her to the ground.

 The first few comments from men on that thread were along the lines, “Well what did she do to fire him up” “It’s bullshit that women can do whatever they want and if men retaliate they get in trouble”, “Women want equality, but complain when they get back what they dish out”.

Can we just cut that bullshit out?

Women arguing for equal rights are not giving us permission to beat them up when we are mad. These things happen from the way that we as a whole talk about it.
People argue, people fight, people say mean horrible and hurtful things.
None of that gives you permission to rape and/or beat someone up.

I made a graph to clear up any confusion.

         Now being ‘traditional’ is no excuse to yell at a woman who wants to have sex with someone for any reason. The point should be that no one should have to be with, or have sex with, anyone that they don’t want to. If a girl has had sex with 200,000 people, it doesn’t mean that she will have sex with you, or your mates. It means she can have sex with whoever she wants to have sex with (provided they want to have sex with her too).

        It is that simple. As men we need to end talk about being ‘owed’ sex for any reason. As men we need to stand up and say that it’s not a woman’s fault for not ‘tilting her pelvis’ and being raped, it is the fault of the man who raped her.
It is not the fault of the drunk woman who passed out and was raped. It is the fault of the rapist.

       It is disgusting to me that the first comments on many discussions like this start with
“What about women that beat men” – Yes there are issues with all kinds of violence, but a conversation about women abusing men is not a counter argument to men beating women.

      “What about women that lie about being raped” – Also not a counter argument to the fact that women are still being raped by men, and that women shouldn’t be getting raped for any reason, ever. That is still not a reason to immediately assume all rape claims are spurious. It is certainly not a reason to make excuses for convicted rapists.

“Women want to be treated like men, then they shouldn’t complain when they get all the same treatment” – Equality of opportunity does not mean men can do whatever they want to women!

         Consensual sex is awesome. It can be fun and varied and intimate and wonderful. Healthy sex is consensual sex, good sex is mutually enjoyable sex. You don’t have to marry everyone you have sex with and likewise, if you want to wait until you are married to have sex, you have every right to do so. Everyone has the right to dictate what happens with their own bodies, and no-one should be forcibly abusing another person in any way at all. If you have any doubt about whether someone wants to have sex with you, just ask!

         If we change the way we talk to each other about these things, then we can, as men, improve the situation for women who unfortunately, currently have good reason to be wary of us. Men are well placed to look out for other men who might go out and cause harm to women. Pull them up, talk to them about what is and isn’t appropriate, and create an environment where we celebrate men who make other people feel good, and not just men who do whatever they want, when they want.

        There is nothing embarrassing for all men for talking about being disgusted by the behaviour of these guys that are committing these crimes. We don’t need to start with the comments like “All the rapists should be burned alive”, “These guys are the worst kind of scum” etc etc. The vitriolic comments and violent rhetoric doesn’t actually help.

        What does help, is taking the people around you, and the people you know and talking openly about how pinning a girl to a wall and kissing her when she didn’t want to be kissed, is not cool. That getting someone drunk so you can have sex with them, is not cool. That bringing a girl home and letting your mates watch you have sex with her, or letting them join in without her consent, is not cool. That if a girl doesn’t want to see you, that’s ok. That you are never owed sex. That 3am trips to your house, do not guarantee that you’ll be having sex with someone. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for putting your hands on a woman inappropriately. No outfit on the planet is a blanket invitation for anyone to have sex or touch whatever part of a woman they like. Drugging someone’s drink is not cool, for any reason. That being a dickhead only makes you a dickhead, it doesn’t make you cool. The number of people someone has had sex with has nothing to do with how good they are as a person. The number of people someone has had sex with is no indication of how many more people they will have sex with, and certainly there is no magical number over which someone will definitely just have sex with you.

Bring it up, it’s not embarrassing, it’s just real. I think everyone should be having great sex, and no one should be getting raped. It’s up to men to pull each other up when there aren’t women around, to prevent things from happening when they are. We can do better, and improve the situation for women in generations to come.

Share the articles, let women know that it’s not ok for men to get away with rape and slut shaming and treat them terribly. Let women know that there are some men out there who recognise the problem, and even though we don’t always know what to do about it, we are here to learn and help however we can.

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Just Be Nice - J

 Off the back of some conversations I have had recently with people about Indigenous Australians and the situation we as a country find ourselves in dealing with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities and individuals, I thought I would film something that was basically the conversations I've been having. Given the vitriol that I have seen on social media and in the regular media lately, I think its worth looking at the situation perhaps in a different way.

Its not super long, but its longer than my regular VLOG's because there was a bit of ground to cover, but you can also listen to it as audio, you'd still get most of the info out of it.

Hopefully we can improve some understanding here and work on solutions rather than just finger pointing and passing blame. Misunderstanding and fear is one of the biggest blockers to progress, and the #JBNProject is all about providing solutions, not just talk, so lets raise the level of understanding, along with the equality of opportunity.

Enjoy, and Just Be Nice.
​- J 

This is one of my favourite photos of all time.

It was taken by one of the at-risk kids during a hip-hop tour of St Kilda about 5 years ago. There were plenty of out of focus, terrible photos taken during this trip, as I handed my camera to a couple of interested kids and showed them briefly how to use it. This one, though, has it all.

My man Nadav, leading from the front, as he always has. A real inspiration and support of mine and hundreds of others, Nadav is one of the selfless ones. Having been through a lot himself, a fighter with a huge heart, you would be hard pressed to find a more generous and caring version of a man. At the time, we were just a couple of guys in our 20’s helping out local youth. Now Nadav is also a devoted father, with a beautiful wife who’s passion to help matches his own fire.

At the back, bringing up the rear, behind a group of kids who despite disadvantage bring an attitude and enthusiasm to our activities that I am yet to see among children of privilege, I am keeping an eye on a cheeky little bugger who is climbing on a road sign.
We took photos, checked out graffiti and finished up at a breakdance competition. We talked and walked. It was one of many such activities and events we did for years and years as part of the PCYC outreach programs.

And that’s what it’s all about. No one big moment of clarity or inspiration. Nadav is the same strong fighting and caring spirit today as when I met him 8 or 9 years ago. We were just there. That is the hardest part to measure. It doesn’t show up easily in KPI measures, it takes a long time. Nadav and many of my colleagues dedicated years of their lives to simply being present for people in need.

This wasn’t a one off inspirational chat. This wasn’t resume building. It was building trust, consistency builds trust, and with trust you can have an exponential influence and impact on the lives of those who need a guiding hand.

Some days we would just play basketball, other days, I taught interested kids how to box. We talked about school, and talked trash to each other on the court. Occasionally the police would give us the heads up that some of the kids had been acting up. If they wanted to talk, we were there. If they didn’t want to talk, we were there. We brought muffins when we had them, oranges and apples, cordial, you know, kids stuff. Over time we saw some kids grow into amazing young adults, and we saw some stray.
That is the natural attrition of this kind of work. It could break your heart, or it can strengthen your resolve. Not necessarily to go for bigger and better sounding events. But to be there more, to be more consistent, and provide longer and more meaningful support.

We will never have an equality of outcome, everyone is far too different, but with people like Nadav leading the charge, we can certainly work towards an equality of opportunity where every youth in Australia is afforded the necessary attention and support they need to be the very best that they can. Yes, some need more than others and that’s ok, because we are all different, and we all deserve that chance.
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This is one of my favourite photos of all time.

                  ​It’s a house of cards that I have been on the end of multiple times. A business is not doing so well, they can’t talk about it openly because,  frankly, not doing well in business is bad for business.
                Customers don’t want to be involved with businesses that aren’t doing well, clients don’t engage you, and debtors can apply pressure to get money out of you, believing sometimes correctly, that they might not get a chance to recoup the money they are owed.
                There are a million ways for businesses to fall on hard times. You can have personal issues, financial issues (cash flow is king), you might not be working that hard, you might not be working that smart. Perhaps clients are late on paying the bills, or maybe you don’t have enough clients.
                There are so many ways that times can be tough.
                Starting off with big dreams, many people invest big… I mean, you can see your vision, so everyone else will right? Before you know it, there are a whole bunch of competitors, copy cats, under cutters and noise surrounding your vision, through no fault of your own and the competitive landscape you thought you would be navigating has changed completely, before you even got a chance to establish a foothold.

         Then there is the ugly side of business, the part where occasionally you just get f*%ked over. You can be f*#ked over on purpose by unscrupulous businesses, suppliers or customers, and you can be inadvertently f*#ked over by people who themselves have fallen on hard times, or strung you along without realising what an impact that will have on your business.
              No one ever really talks about it in a practical sense. I have seen people complain on the internet that ‘So and so did such and such and that’s so bad for me’ etc., practically however, there is a reason why business owners don’t ask for help, and then just suddenly fold.
       Usually people open businesses in areas where they know people, know the community, engage and interact with the community. The people they know might be doing similar things, if you open a Physiotherapy clinic in St Kilda, and you grew up there, chances are you know at least some of the other physios in St Kilda. They are unlikely to share trade secrets with you, or information about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to running a practice.

            ​Sure, there are business coaches, and there are some really great ones, but, frankly, there are a lot of bullshit artists out there too, who don’t really know what they are talking about and won’t give you great value for your limited dollars.
                In my travels for work, I meet dozens of business all over the country who are having similar problems. Retail businesses with cash flow problems, gyms having dramas with high rents and member retentions, non-profit organisations who have no idea how to scale and maintain their operations. The problem is, when your network of support are your customers, or geographically, your competitors, it makes it hard to be open and honest about the aspects of your business that are causing you grief. Look like you are failing and you risk driving away customers/suppliers etc, look like you are having a tough time and your competitors may smell blood in the water.
                The compounding of problems gets worse and worse, with the stress of not going so well impacting work and your motivation, not being able to talk to anyone, getting the blinkers on, making bad decisions etc etc.
                  Your clients notice that you are stressed, your family notice it, you feel it in the anxious nights awake, and it certainly doesn’t just get easier.
I have seen and helped many people through tough times in business, simply by being an ear and discussing what I have seen, maybe what I would do, or what others are doing. Sometimes just a simple ‘Yeah, its bloody tough going, plenty of people in the same boat’ can calm people down a little bit.
            I have also been that guy, through what was a very tough, very long period of business I had a number of disruptive and expensive incidents that made work very stressful. Money was very tight, the days were very, very long and I probably took a few years off my life navigating through those times.
                It meant a lot to have the love and support of my friends and family, but in those situations it can also mean more to have the opportunity to rectify the situation. Asking for help in business is rarely about asking for handouts, and it shouldn't be. It's asking for opportunities, connections, strategy or structure. Having a sounding board from someone who understands those situations can be invaluable when you are getting swamped in the stress of your own mind. It breaks many, many people.

             ​Unfortunately though, the understanding friend who has no real idea what you are going through, is not the most practical help. All the good will in the world won’t help you, if you don’t get some information and steps to take to work your way to a more successful enterprise.
             I have set up, through the JBNProject, the opportunity to connect businesses that are similar in nature, but geographically separate, so that business owners can discuss the ups and downs of what they are experiencing with someone in the same boat who is

1. Not a direct competitor in their area.
2. Not a customer.
3. Someone who needs help, gets paired with someone who has offered to lend an ear.
4. Or we get one of our JBNProject partners who has offered to help, to touch base and see if there is a way to help get you on track informally.

 
          This isn’t a lead into business coaching. This isn’t a service that you have to pay for, it is simply being able to put people together so that you can learn and discuss business in a practical way. Finding someone who has been where you are in your journey, or someone who can help. This isn’t a mastermind, or a complete business overhaul. If you are looking for something of that nature, by all means let me know, there are some great opportunities for business development from a range of really great practitioners.
        This isn’t about lunches and meetups, where everyone talks about what they are going to do, or has to polish their lives up to look like they are doing well to get business. There are plenty of those around already. This isn’t about 6-steps to 7 figures, or posing in front of expensive leased cars. No spam emails promising the world, or giving you the 'keys to living the life you deserve'.
           This is about real-life business owners and entrepreneurs, who need a bit of a leg up, who need a relevant and experienced ear to talk to. People with rent and mortgages to pay, families to feed and kids to keep in school. Between these contacts you can remain anonymous, it is no problem. We just want to create an environment that allows business owners to be themselves, be honest and be vulnerable for a moment, so that a plan of attack can be formed and you can get on with getting it done.
          There is no shortcut to success, and I am yet to see a struggling business just magic their way out of a tough time. You will have to work hard, no doubt, but better to do it with the help of people in the know, than blindly pushing forward in the wrong, upsetting direction. You aren’t alone, you aren’t the only one, and it happens to the best of us, even when we are working hard all the time.
           A great chance for entrepreneurs who have come through it to help out, and a great chance for people who could use the help, to get it. The link is provided below.
 
Keep working hard, and remember, Just Be Nice.

For those who are doing it tough, rest assured you are not the first, not the last and you are not alone. If you are in a really bad way and need someone to talk to urgently, don't hesitate to call the crew at Lifeline - 13 11 14

​This is my family.

By birth and by the sheer luck of the universe I have had all of these amazing humans in my life for at least the last 26 of my 30 years. Some of them were born into my family, and some of them fell into my life as family in a seemingly random way.

My own father was not a good one, but there are far worse stories than mine and the point of this is not to talk about the varying degrees in which fathers can be bad, or bad examples to their sons. The point is, there are bad fathers, and men of all ages have been through subjectively bad times on many levels.
​
Navigating the role of being a man can be a tough one, in a conversation I had last week I had a thought that it is often the case that men seem to base their definition of manliness collectively. If you spend time with a group of men that believe certain behaviour is acceptable, you tend to adopt those same views. It’s one of the reasons ‘culture’ at a football club, or in a workplace is so important. When a football club has  a toxic culture, everyone tends to adopt it, when bigotry is the norm at a workplace it can be difficult to go against it. On the contrary, being brought into a great culture, like the All Blacks, or Melbourne Storm can help men thrive and excel.

This is Greg and Nina. Greg is the dad of my best mate Nick, who I met on day one of prep as a 4 year old. Greg is married to Nina, and they are my bonus family parents. Really, Greg is everything that my own father was not. He is a kind and generous man, with a big heart. He is strong, intelligent and full of respect and empathy. You would struggle to find a better example of a grown man who has led a life full of integrity. He is a fantastic dad and a wonderful husband and I respect and love him immensely.
​
I write this because I believe that we can still raise good men, even if we are missing good fathers.... But we do still need good men.

This is my Mum! She is one of the great ones :) but of course, I am very biased. Like many in the same situation, as a teenager, it wasn’t easy for us.

From an understanding point of view, Mum went to an all girls school from prep to Year 12, and has two sisters. Her own father wasn’t around all that much as a fantastic role model, so dealing with a growing, hormonal teenage boy was uncharted territory. Juggling being a single parent, economic difficulty and trying to prevent your oldest son from turning out like his Dad is a rough road to navigate and we butted heads often and I spent a lot of my high school years grounded.

I was convinced that I was a misunderstood, slightly angry teenage boy, who would never turn out like my father, but Mum had never really been around that situation and disciplined me hard. In the end, it is funny to look back, but playing the role of support, disciplinarian, mum, cook, taxi, breadwinner and everything else under the sun makes it hard, and in the end, even though I eventually ended up getting asked to leave the family home, we have the most amazing relationship and I could have done nothing without Mum’s love and support right to this day. Mum ran herself into the ground for us and remains my biggest support.

Because the absence of a good dad more often than not means a single mother, it can be difficult to provide the same kind of back patting, ‘You’re doing well mate’ moments to a young man. For some reason, managing being the supporting mother, the ‘I’m proud of you’ moments from mum are more often than not met with a smile, an eye roll and a little ‘of course you are’. On the contrary, the same moments from the men in your life that you respect, can really give you a big chest pump moment.

At the same time, being told you are acting like an idiot by mum can be brushed off easier than the same thing being said to you by a man, or group of men you respect. Some of my most embarrassing moments are from being called out by men I respected for rubbish behaviour.

When I was 14 I did my first deb, it was a bit of a big deal and I was young in my year level bu almost two years, so everyone was a bit older than I was. I did it, and went in with my date, and you guessed it, Nick…. And weren’t we quite the lady killers back then!

Mum wasn’t rapt about the idea of me going to an after party with everyone, and staying out for the night, but Greg did me a solid and vouched that we were sensible young men and we’ll be ok… I got the pass, and we went to the after party for a couple of Carlton Colds. Now I wasn’t supposed to be drinking, Mum didn’t care for it, but boys will be boys, and we didn't do anything too crazy. We had a great night, were well behaved and got picked up the next day by Greg.
​
I doubt that Greg remembers this part of the trip at all. But in the back of the old Ford Fairlane that day as we were being driven home, perhaps experiencing my first ever hangover, Greg simply said that we did a great job the night before (At the Deb) and that he was ‘Proud of me’.

I nearly cried in the back seat right then…. But I didn’t. I don't remember another time in my life that someone being proud of me has made me feel so emotional. 

Perhaps it was because at the time I was an angry, fatherless teenager, who was constantly arguing with Mum at home. I have never doubted Mums love for me, ever,  but her concern about me turning out like my own father had become my concern too… After all why would it be an issue if it wasn’t possible

Hearing from a man of few emotive words, who I respect more than I could ever say, tell me he was proud of me made such a big difference. I’ve never really talked about it since, but it was a moment of someone I respected believing that I was the good person that I had always tried to be, even as an angry teenager.

Years later, around the dinner table, when I was at University and completing a trade, Greg gave me another piece of sage advice that made a bigger difference than he will perhaps ever know. He told me that no matter what I was doing, if I was very busy and getting things done, the people that matter and really love you will always understand if you don’t have heaps of spare time. That little piece of advice has enabled me to go on to do the variety things that I have been able to do in my short time here on earth.

In a conversation with a friend this week, speaking about her husband, we discussed the importance of male-peer approval and guidance. As a kid, the best thing that could happen would be when the older boys who wanted to kick the footy with me, even if it was only three kicks. The friendly banter with the older kids in High School while on the tours to decide where to go, the games with the older boys, where I would play a few age groups up and get to hang with the older guys. These things matter over and above just proving that you are pretty good at footy, and they help shape who you become.

It is the reason I started working with at-risk kids many years ago. Just to be one of the older guys that would go out and play basketball with the younger guys and have a bit of a laugh. I had initially thought I might wait until I made my millions to engage with programs to change the world, before realising, the most important thing was just to be around and to want to involve these kids.

People would love to go out and inspire people in a moment of clarity, however It is rare to be able to drop into someone’s’ life and say something like “you’re proud of them” and change their lives on the spot.

If you are around for a long time, days and months and years, through good times and bad. If you are a man of integrity, worthy of respect and with a big heart. You earn the opportunity to have those moments, and in a couple of words, you can help shape the life of another young man for the better.

The great news is it doesn’t end for boys when they become men. We can spend time building better men by encouraging and looking after one another even after we are all 'grown up'. Be someone worthy of respect and don’t be afraid to let your mates know that you love them and you are proud of them when they are out there being great men. If we are better to each other as men, then we will be better to everyone as people. Be a gentleman, and encourage others to be as well. If we can change the culture of a football club for the better, we can change our culture generally to be one of respect and support.

If you are a man who knows a single Mum with young boys, be an example and don't be afraid to put your hand up to be there for them. You don’t have to be there every day, but be positive, be available and encourage them to grow up to be good men. Who knows, one day something you say might change their lives, and the lives of others down the chain. Greg believing in me allowed me to be a better man to my younger brother, who grew into being an outstanding example of a man himself, and Izzy then going on to positively mentor dozens of young men from there.

I’ve since had many great moments with my large and amazing family, but in the end it is the enduring love and support that makes all the difference. I hope that over time I can be the Greg for someone else, because if the world had more Gregs in it, it would undoubtedly be a better place.

We can raise good men without good fathers, we shouldn't have to raise them without good men.
​
Be good.
Just Be Nice.
-J
 
*A small tear or two may have been shed in the writing of this post.

It seems crazy to me, that with all the reasons that people can be concerned or worried about things, that we still have such a crazy inequality of worry.

As a man, there are a whole bunch of things in my day to day life that I never consider as a problem, while there are many of my female friends who have to consider a whole raft of other things when doing something as simple as leaving the house. I can't fathom being worried about those things, and many men can't, because we aren't taught to, and we rarely have reason to.

Its no secret that there are many problems in the world that need a lot of effort and collaboration to solve, There are also some that could be solved quickly, with a simple decision by the majority of people to be gentlemen and Just Be Nice to each other. Take the worry away from walking to and from cars, take the worry out of going out for a drink and that gives everyone more time and energy to focus on all the other problems that could use some solving!

Part Two looks at a couple of these opportunities and Part three will look at a few more in an effort to open the eyes of guys who actually don't even know these things are issues, and to help the good ones bring those who are unaware up to speed. There will always be things to worry about, I just hope that we can all start to worry about the same things together so that we can hopefully then go out and make a real positive difference for everyone.

​Thanks so much for watching and subscribing, and remember...

Just Be Nice.
​
- J

As a caveat, This is not really a feel good story. The Just Be Nice Project is about finding ways to help people Just Be Nice, but this issue is a particularly tricky one. It has so many moving parts that I feel like we avoid the conversation about it sometimes. Having experienced it first hand, seeing it during outreach work, speaking to professionals and hearing stories from friends, I want to try to bring the conversation forward so that we can look at constructive and effective ways to support people to move forward through these situations.

I have two friends.

Girl 1 and Girl 2.

Girl 1 used to go out with a guy, but now Girl 2 goes out with this same guy.

Girl 1 is scared of what might happen to her, if I tell Girl 2 that this guy is abusive. Exhibiting nearly every one of the classic signs of being an abusive partner, to date this guy hasn’t physically harmed Girl 1, but has been verbally and emotionally abusive over a period of time, threatened her, thrown furniture in the apartment etc. etc. While he hasn’t laid a violent hand on her to date he has nevertheless engaged in outbursts against others in the very recent past.

I have seen the messages, heard the voicemails, and I have known Girl 1 for a very long time. She is sad, anxious and worried about what this guy might do because his behavior has been getting violent escalating and really, there is the problem.

How do I bring this up with Girl 2? My initial advice to Girl 1 was to get an AVO so that it is recorded, and he can’t just rock up to her door, or go anywhere near her. In a usual situation abusive partners are seldom abusive in front of other people, and tend to do it in private times, or at times when the abused is most vulnerable. So the abuse hasn't always been via text or recorded voicemail. Even then she is concerned that if she gets an AVO he will get mad and attack her before the police can arrive. Hoping simply to ignore him and that he will just go away.

With an AVO there is third party verification (The police/magistrate) have enough reason/evidence to believe that this guy is a liability. It takes away the conjecture that it’s just crazy ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend talk. I feel like it makes the conversation with Girl 2 a bit easier if that’s the case, and I am less worried about what happens with Girl 1, because if this guy breaks the AVO then the police are able to intervene immediately.
But what if Girl 1 is unsure about the AVO?

She has never been so scared of anyone before, because he is so unpredictable and loose. 
​
There is so much more in play here than simply feeling at risk. Girl 1 has had her self esteem attacked by her partner. Someone she loved and cared for. It was a gradual process, starting off with thinking that he was a great guy. He talked a good game. She looked after him and was a great girlfriend…. But over time, as these things happen, he got worse.

Like many others, girl 1 never thought she would be the kind of girl to be in a relationship like that.

I don’t think anybody ever does think they’ll be that person. And if someone was that aggressive and abusive on the first date, it’s unlikely they’d get a second date. But these situations happen over time, without people really noticing. You start to build a life together, you care about each other, and slowly you start to get isolated, your self-esteem starts to get clawed away, slowly. Jealousy, manipulation, a constant cycle of outbursts and apologies. Raging one minute and love and apologies the next.
               
Not wanting to make him angry, or cause a scene for fear that his aggressive tendencies would be turned toward her, Girl 1 may not even file an for a restraining order. Even though she understands now that like many others, this guy has had similar issues with former partners.
           
As a man, I am never quite sure how to deal with this. I have been face to face with male violence towards women and nothing boils my blood more. There is perhaps a caveman instinct to go and confront this guy myself….. But that is silly. There is nothing really to be gained from that, there is no benefit in being a vigilante here. Men like this guy are cowards. They prey on the weak, and break them down emotionally and mentally. They are not the ones to go toe to toe with another man, and confront their own failings, in all likelihood if I did confront him, nothing would happen to me, and he would take it out on someone more vulnerable.
           
So there goes that idea, and it should be gone. There is nothing to be gained from trying to be a big hero and go and call this guy out. I have seen it before and nothing good comes of it like that.
           
I do, however, need to tell Girl 2 what this guy is like. Knowing full well that at this stage the conversation will be about his crazy ex-girlfriend, and that this guy will be pouring it on, being the victim and promising the world. Even though two days ago, he told Girl 1 that he still loves her.
           
I am not sure how to support Girl 1 to get the help that she needs, after speaking to a police friend of mine, who said “I've been dealing with it for years - it's hard to watch girls never leave” when I said that I am concerned for my friend and every one of this guys girlfriend afterwards.
 
As the violent behaviour escalates, we can end up with violent men who have no official record, but are known to police and support services. Eventually an arrest occurs due to a larger, more violent outburst for some poor partner down the track. “Happens all the time [because] Most girls too scared to do anything”
 
In the end, I will tell Girl 2, and I am obviously here to help Girl 1 with whatever the outcome is. It is a difficult one because I don’t like to see my friends scared, or hurt. I don’t want to be concerned about the long term welfare of friends who are with guys (or girls) like this.
           
If, on the flip side, I was friends with this guy, and I knew him to be heading down the path of abuse/violence, I would help him to seek the appropriate help to deal with it. As a man and a friend it is up to us to step up and speak to other men that we know, if we know they are acting this way and tell them that it is unacceptable. If you have a friend who acts this way, it is ok to speak to their partner and let them know that you are there to support them and help find the appropriate professional help to deal with the situation. There is no point waiting until something catastrophic happens, if people start to act up, seek the help as early as possible to stop it escalating beyond the point of no return.
​
In my own experience, one of the most chilling memories of domestic violence was being on the end of my own fathers outburst, alongside my mother, while two of his friends stood there and said nothing and did nothing. I have long known that I would never be one of the men that stands by and just watches this happen… But it doesn’t make it any easier to know what to do in every situation.

I know that it isn’t pleasant, but without a conversation we can’t all move forward and provide a supportive environment for those in distress to speak out and act, and for those with issues to find the support they need to change their behaviours before it is too late. The statistics are far too chilling to just ignore.

Please note, that the discussion of male violence against women does not negate the acts of violence towards men by women. But this piece is written specifically about an experience I have had this week.


If you are unsure of the warning signs there are some here –HERE
 
If you need someone to call –1800RESPECT is the national family violence and sexual assault counselling service. It is a free, confidential service available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call 1800 737 732 to speak to a professional counsellor.

 If you need support  you can use the DHS Service Finder - HERE

The quotes have come from online chat that I was having with my friends.So they are direct quotes.

Thanks very much for reading.
And remember.
Just Be Nice.

 #JBNProject